Undefined

I feel so very lost right now. It's been an interesting couple of days, wrapped in a significant increase in Lupron "stuff", or at least I hope it's related- otherwise I'm frightened by my capacity for anger, sadness, and pain.

Ben's birthday went really well for the first part, almost the whole part, and then I started having a little trouble, getting some pretty bad cramps, and then worse- and worse. Eventually I was having trouble standing up, but I didn't want to let on to Ben so I tried to stay positive, cooked dinner, laid down to watch tv with him hoping it was what he wanted to do and not just my need for a little time off my feet. I was having really bad stomach pain (6), and then I got exhausted. I still tried to be happy, but later in the night it all started spiraling. I freaked out over a little comment, lost my temper, ended up in a sinking silent treatment, and then burst into tears that lasted for hours. These mood swings are so encompassing, it's like I lose myself completely. Like I can't see, it's all foggy and red- metaphorically of course. I just lose it and get deeper in until I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore. And then the crying, the realization, and the horrible guilt for putting such a warm and understanding man through this time and time again. It's only been three weeks.

Pretty much the same thing today. Started out a little differently, I woke up with some cramps (3), and just wanted to lie around. Made some gluten-free pancakes for our Thanksgiving breakfast, and then started feeling better. I was in a bad mood though, and little things were setting me off from the get go this morning. But I tried to get around it. All it took after about five hours of trying to get around it was one misconstrued comment and I lost it. We worked around it because it was Thanksgiving and eventually got over it because we love each other. End of story.

But after Thanksgiving dinner with the family, Ben and I got to talk alone. It was a very refreshing, very honest conversation- the type that really reminds me that I'm not in this by myself, and that he loves me for real, good or bad. It helped me realize that a lot of my mood swings are wrapped in my ever increasing insecurities. I've definitely noticed that since the Lupron, I've been on edge with my self-confidence, and I've been in a downward spiral of insecurity about myself, my ability to react, my emotional stability, and my relationships. Anything can set me off in these touchy subjects. And the lack of control I feel when it comes to all of this is disturbing. I realized tonight that as much as I hate it, I do need to lean on Ben. Because he truly understands what I'm going through. I don't know how, but he has such a calming reassurance, and beautiful empathy. I think it's his love. But it may just be his soul. Either way, I'm blessed to have him. So many people outside of the endo realm have told me that they know what I'm going through or have offered suggestions, tips, stories from others they know who've gone through menopause. It's not the same. I have no estrogen. I'm 25. It's chemical. It's disgusting really. I can't explain it, it all started so quickly and just kicked my ass. I'll have two good days that make me believe, and then two days that send me into a darker place than I've been in a long time. But those good days make enormous headway for me mentally. I live for those good days. I wish I could just swim in them, breathe them in, freeze frame it and sleep next to it. I'd roll around in those good days. But at least I know they're there. And they're delicious.

In any case, here I am. I started my period today and it was awful. I've been in pretty gnarly pain for the last 11 hours or so (6). And I'm drowning in these mood swings right now. Wondering if I'll ever be solid again. If I'll ever be strong or stable. If I'll know what it feels like to function properly. If I'll ever be a mother.

But tomorrow could very well be a good day. I'll sleep on it.