Weekend in Cali

I went to a wedding this weekend in NorCal with Ben and my parents. We flew out after work on Friday for the Saturday wedding, and I'm so glad I went. It was great to go back to my old stomping grounds, see some old friends, and watch my friend marry the man of her dreams. It was a beautiful wedding, and a lot of fun.

I, unfortunately, am still figuring out my "issues" as far as the mood swings go, and I got really angry at Ben at the end of the night Saturday. I really didn't have good reason to be so upset, but of course I thought I did. And we had been drinking for a while at that point and I really think that could be the worst idea ever for a Lupron girl. Alcohol already makes me slightly unreasonable at times, add in some chemical menopause and I'm a real dream. ;) This was one of our longest arguments, we were both overly upset and not thinking clearly. But of course we worked it out before we went to sleep, and hopefully learned some important things about ourselves and our relationship- mainly how to deal with the present situation. I still can't believe I'm putting him through this. I'm in love with him, shouldn't I be protecting him? I really am trying my best...

We flew home today after not nearly enough sleep last night. It was a fully-packed weekend that's left me feeling totally over-spent. I'm having some really bad pain up in my diaphragm. I can't tell at this point whether it's from the fact that I'm bleeding again or from doing too much. But it's there with a vengeance right now. Just have to get through it, I've got a busy week this week at work. I have to be there all day every day. Welcome back to real life.

I got some great advice from a fellow blogger to start exercising. I want to really badly, I think I'm gonna start focusing on that a little more. When it hurts, it feels like any exercise would be the last thing I should do- but I've been working that angle for a while now. It's time to try something new. I think I'm gonna get some walking in, and maybe try to hit the gym for a little work on the bike here and there. Supposedly it helps with the mood swings, and I'd do anything at this point!!!

I've also been slacking a lil on my endo diet recently. That's gotta stop. I want to feel good again, I remember what it feels like- and I want it back!!

Lupron Journal-
Bleeding still, although it's startin to slow down which means this is a pretty short period for me. We'll see how long it last in the "light" phase. Bad pain in my diaphragm (6/7) most of the time today, but sometimes it gets a lil better. And I'm having pain down in my right lower abdomen again (4) that's really aggravating. Mood swings are at a serious high and I think I'm starting to lose my mind...on a good day. ;)

Thanks for the support you guys. It's so important for me to write all of this, and the fact that there are people who care enough to read it is really amazing to me. Just throwin that out there. :)

Pray for a good day tomorrow for the start of my long work week. Oy!

Undefined

I feel so very lost right now. It's been an interesting couple of days, wrapped in a significant increase in Lupron "stuff", or at least I hope it's related- otherwise I'm frightened by my capacity for anger, sadness, and pain.

Ben's birthday went really well for the first part, almost the whole part, and then I started having a little trouble, getting some pretty bad cramps, and then worse- and worse. Eventually I was having trouble standing up, but I didn't want to let on to Ben so I tried to stay positive, cooked dinner, laid down to watch tv with him hoping it was what he wanted to do and not just my need for a little time off my feet. I was having really bad stomach pain (6), and then I got exhausted. I still tried to be happy, but later in the night it all started spiraling. I freaked out over a little comment, lost my temper, ended up in a sinking silent treatment, and then burst into tears that lasted for hours. These mood swings are so encompassing, it's like I lose myself completely. Like I can't see, it's all foggy and red- metaphorically of course. I just lose it and get deeper in until I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore. And then the crying, the realization, and the horrible guilt for putting such a warm and understanding man through this time and time again. It's only been three weeks.

Pretty much the same thing today. Started out a little differently, I woke up with some cramps (3), and just wanted to lie around. Made some gluten-free pancakes for our Thanksgiving breakfast, and then started feeling better. I was in a bad mood though, and little things were setting me off from the get go this morning. But I tried to get around it. All it took after about five hours of trying to get around it was one misconstrued comment and I lost it. We worked around it because it was Thanksgiving and eventually got over it because we love each other. End of story.

But after Thanksgiving dinner with the family, Ben and I got to talk alone. It was a very refreshing, very honest conversation- the type that really reminds me that I'm not in this by myself, and that he loves me for real, good or bad. It helped me realize that a lot of my mood swings are wrapped in my ever increasing insecurities. I've definitely noticed that since the Lupron, I've been on edge with my self-confidence, and I've been in a downward spiral of insecurity about myself, my ability to react, my emotional stability, and my relationships. Anything can set me off in these touchy subjects. And the lack of control I feel when it comes to all of this is disturbing. I realized tonight that as much as I hate it, I do need to lean on Ben. Because he truly understands what I'm going through. I don't know how, but he has such a calming reassurance, and beautiful empathy. I think it's his love. But it may just be his soul. Either way, I'm blessed to have him. So many people outside of the endo realm have told me that they know what I'm going through or have offered suggestions, tips, stories from others they know who've gone through menopause. It's not the same. I have no estrogen. I'm 25. It's chemical. It's disgusting really. I can't explain it, it all started so quickly and just kicked my ass. I'll have two good days that make me believe, and then two days that send me into a darker place than I've been in a long time. But those good days make enormous headway for me mentally. I live for those good days. I wish I could just swim in them, breathe them in, freeze frame it and sleep next to it. I'd roll around in those good days. But at least I know they're there. And they're delicious.

In any case, here I am. I started my period today and it was awful. I've been in pretty gnarly pain for the last 11 hours or so (6). And I'm drowning in these mood swings right now. Wondering if I'll ever be solid again. If I'll ever be strong or stable. If I'll know what it feels like to function properly. If I'll ever be a mother.

But tomorrow could very well be a good day. I'll sleep on it.

Happy Birthday Ben!

It's been a little while since I've blogged, busy birthday weekend for my absolutely amazing boyfriend. The man deserves a little TLC after all I've put him through. And it's only just begun... ;) Haha! No no, I think I'm on the up and up. I think.

This weekend was great, I got to do some of that jumping up and down stuff I was talking about on Friday. Ben and I went to the Cardinals vs. Giants football game on Sunday and had an absolute blast. I decided to go off of my gluten-free existence for the day to celebrate with Ben, and that was a huge huge mistake. At this point, I think the gluten-free, soy-free, lactose-free diet is really contributing to my decreased pain. Because I was in miserable shape Sunday night. I felt dizzy, sick to my stomach, ridiculously tired, and very much irritated at the fact that I brought that wonderfulness on myself. They say Lupron increases your appetite. I'm gonna go ahead and agree with "them". I ate a hot dog, nachos, chicken strips, french fries, licorice, and two beers, in the span of four hours. MY WORD! Yes, point and scowl in disgust. I deserve it.

After a short nap and one enormous hot flash, we met up with my family and had Ben's birthday dinner at a really tasty, very expensive restaurant by my parent's house. Yeah, I ate all of that before the big birthday dinner. Can I please blame it on the Lupron? Otherwise that's just disgusting. I started feeling a little better and was able to enjoy dinner, so that's good.

Today was Ben's actual birthday and we've had a blast so far. But it's time for me to go cook some gluten-free spaghetti. :) Happy Birthday Baby! I love you.

Lupron Journal:
I woke up with some of the old cramp-like feelings but they went away pretty quickly. I made it through a whole day at work again, and my ribs started hurting around 3:00 (4). I also started what seems like the beginning of a period. Will see what that turns into?? TMI, I know. :)

Believe It

I made it through a FULL day of work today!!! Ok, so it was slightly shifted to a 10:30am-7:00pm schedule, but I did it! Granted, over an hour of it was a potluck...but I still did it! :)

I'm feeling pretty well so far. I just can't believe what a difference it makes, not having that constant pain is unbelievably relieving. I mean, I knew how frustrated I was, and how bummed out I'd become from the pain and its affect on my life, but I don't think I fully comprehended just how bad it was until it started to actually show some real signs of improvement yesterday. It's an answered prayer right now, and I couldn't be happier.

Yesterday I went to work about an hour and a half late, and stayed until about an hour or so before my normal shift ended. I didn't leave early because I was in a lot of pain. I just didn't want to push it quite yet. I was feeling pretty good, just a little bit of the chest pain and lower abdominal pain that I had gotten so used to. And then later, I wanted to go shopping for Ben's birthday next week. I seriously can't believe I was able to go shopping after being at work for that long! I'm blown away right now. Especially because after shopping and walking around looking for the perfect gift for a while...I was still ok!

I had some trouble sleeping last night, and then was absolutely exhausted this morning. I had some pain when I first woke up (4), but it went away after a little while. And then it came back as I was driving into work, going over speed bumps and then walking in from the furthest parking spot (the worst part about going into work late definitely). But after I sat at my desk for a little while and rested, it started to just go away. And then it NEVER came back. I'm sitting at the computer in the kitchen at 10:23pm, and I haven't had bad pain for about 12 hours. I'm absolutely amazed. I just want to freeze frame this, in case it comes back, to remember how wonderful it feels. I feel like I might get my life back. And it feels so good.

It's Friday, and I'm really excited about my weekend. I want to go run! I want to jump up and down, play Frisbee, play basketball, lift weights, walk around the mall, chase my niece around...I can't wait to live again!

For now, I'm going to take it one day at a time, and take it slowly. I'm gonna hope that this really is a turn-around, because that hope is the only thing that's gonna get me through another bad day. And I'm going to be so grateful for every wonderful pain free moment.

For all of us, just remember that life is still out there. Even in those really dark moments where it seems like it couldn't be further away. It's there, and we'll get it back someday. Believe it!

Good Night, Bad Night

Another day of ups and downs. It's been quite a rollercoaster so far, but like the faith I still have in the stock market, I think it will have an upward trend! :)

I went to work for almost an entire day today! The longest I've been at work in a very long time. I was really proud of myself. Yesterday I went to work for half a day because I had doctors appointments in the morning, and I felt ok last night. I had a completely massive breakdown late at night with Ben again...but at least I pretty quickly recognized that it was totally Lupron related. I was a crazy person, completely lacking control of my emotions. I can't even remember what set me off, but I went nuts. I just got mad. And then sad. And then I totally shut off for about ten minutes. Finally, out of nowhere, I started crying and profusely apologizing. I knew what was going on, and I feel lucky every day that my wonderful boyfriend doesn't up and leave me at any moment. He just sat with me, he rubbed my arm, he promised that he wouldn't leave, and he told me that I am perfect no matter what. He held me, and he helped me.

This morning I was set on making it to work early. I woke up totally exhausted like I hadn't slept at all. I know I had trouble falling asleep, and was sleeping really lightly all night. When I pulled myself out of bed and went to the bathroom, I got some awful cramps that put me right back in bed for a bit. I was so frustrated. After a little while of laying down it got better, so I finished getting ready and went into work around 10ish. I made it through almost the entire day in my horribly uncomfortable skirt suit and heels...and my pantyhose was way too tight and digging into my stomach. With about an hour left in the day though, I could hardly get up from my desk. Really awful stomach cramps, and the old school back pain I used to get before my first surgery (6). I was struggling for sure. I made it all the way past 5:00 and left, smiling through the shoulder pain and chest pain that was increasing as I walked out of the building talking to one of my managers.

I was so relieved to get back to Ben's place and be able to unwind. When I stepped into his apartment, the first thing I saw was a dozen orange roses and a card sitting in the living room! He had written me a beautiful card reminding me that he loves me no matter what. It was perfect, I couldn't have asked for a better way to unwind.

I wish I could say the pain went away right then, and we had a perfect evening after that. Unfortunately, it hurt pretty bad all the way up until about 10pm tonight. And Ben and I got into another argument about Christmas trees and Christmas spirit about two hours after work. Riiiiiiiidiculous. But we talked it out like we always do, and remembered the whole time that we will get through this, and it's just a temporary evil. And he made me laugh. And he held me, and he helped me.

Just a side note: Right around the time I started feeling a little better, I thought it was important that we get some dessert. A girl needs a little dessert every now and then! So we went to Coldstone for some sorbet, and walked into a Cold Stone that was closed for reconstruction. If we hadn't asked one of the workers if they had already closed for the night, I don't think we would have noticed that there were saws, paint cans, empty ice cream containers, and construction tools all around us. We would have just stood by the unplugged cash register until someone kicked us out. SO we went across the street to the grocery store to pick up some sorbet. About thirty minutes and $100 later, we walked out. We realized a few things we both needed to pick up, and then Ben decided we should get our first Christmas decoration because we had talked about how excited I am about Christmas, and how weird that is :) And then, as we were standing in the obscene line for the one and only cash register...I saw it. We were standing right beside the display for the newly released Wall-e movie. I heart that movie. My eyes lit up, as Ben pointed out. He had apparently already decided he was going to get that for me as a stocking stuffer...but once he saw the look on my face, he picked one up. He said it's an early Christmas present. I'm a lucky, lucky girl.

A novel...

I haven't written in a while! I had a good weekend, with a few mood swings, that's for sure. It's got to be from stopping the birth control...or can you get mood swings from the Lupron this early?

Ok, so to clarify- my last post when I just re-read it sounded like I was saying the doctor in fact saw tissue on my CT scan that pointed to endo. But I was saying that that is what the doctor said they could possibly use the CT scan for- to see small spots of excess tissue that would point to endometriosis. He hadn't read it yet. And he just read it yesterday and said he couldn't see anything in my lungs. So I'm very happy about that!!! We're supposing at this point that it's diaphragm or upper abdomen endo that's putting pressure on my lungs, and causing the pain and awkward breathing. My pulmonologist was very unhelpful though, and told me to stop taking deep breaths. Very strange, I mean...why? I don't take deep breaths because I want to, I take them because it feels like I'm not getting enough air. And so he told me that it's just a feeling, and to ignore it. Um, ok? Well, he's right in the fact that I'm definitely getting enough air. I apparently have super human lungs, that function at 128%, or in the 128th percentile. I didn't even know that was possible. He said it's from the years of training for swimming, and the fact that I'm 6'1". :) So that's good I guess!

I'm really getting excited for the Lupron to work. I haven't experienced horrible side effects so far, and it makes me feel like I'm going to be ok on it. I sure hope so! But it also makes me so sad, and kind of angry that this stupid drug can be so harsh on some people, and cause such horrible side effects. I know I have a long way to go, and the worst may be yet to come...I just wish they would find a cure! I wish Lupron could be an answer for everyone.

Lupron Journal:
Definite mood swings over the last couple of days. My poor, poor boyfriend. I'm a lucky girl. I also have had some pretty bad lower abdominal pain in the mornings and late at night (5) that resemble cramps. And I've had trouble sleeping for sure. I just can't fall asleep, but once I'm out, I'm out! So I'm happy for that, and hope it lasts.

I went to P.F. Chang's tonight and got to have some more of their delicious gluten-free menu! The Singapore Street noodles are so tasty! If you have a PF Changs near you, check it out. And I don't know if it's a chain, but Picazzo's Pizza has a gluten-free menu, and I decided to throw out the dairy free for a night so I could have some pizza. It was perfection! And the chicken wings were to die for. Mmmm! I'm also making more stir-fry's and I'm going to try some more recipes here soon.

I saw my old endocrinologist for a second opinion and he said the nodules on my thyroid are good to go. They haven't really changed in the last year. And when I told him about my problems in my abdomen/chest he was very confident it was all endometriosis related. He feels like the Lupron is a great choice, but wants to make sure I'm keeping an eye on my bone density. He said that I need to be taking 1,000mg of Calcium every day, but more importantly, I need to double up and take 2,000mg of Vitamin D daily. I wasn't really aware of that, so I'm glad I saw him. He's a really nice doctor, but not all that helpful usually. I asked him about my hashimoto's and he just shrugged it off again. That's why I'm seeing a new endocrinologist. My new one is checking out my adrenals, and looking into treating my hashimotos finally.

I went to work half days both yesterday and today, and I'm feeling a little more solid now-a-days. I still have worse pain than usual in my abdomen and up under my rib cage, but I just have an overall sense of "better". Before, I was always worried that if I did too much I'd be laid out for days. Now I feel like I could live a little, and I'll be ok. Let's hope that's right!

Friday Ramblings

I got a CT scan today of my chest to see if they can find any signs of endometriosis in there. I think it's interesting that they're going to be looking for tissue build up on the CT scan to diagnose endo. I mean, doing surgery in your lungs to diagnose is obviously a little more risky than a laparoscopy of your abdomen...but I still don't see why they can use a CT of the chest and not a CT of the abdomen. ??? Well, the pulmonologist stated that they could see small excess tissue that would point to endometriosis...so I guess I'll believe him. I have the CT films in my car...I wish I could read that stuff myself. I see the pulmonologist on Monday for my pulmonary function test and then a follow up on the results to both. I'm having a much easier time breathing now a days, so I don't know what's going to turn up. But that pain in my diaphragm is still very present.

Lupron Journal:
Other than my little freak out last night, I think I'm doing alright on the Lupon so far. Slight increase in pain in both my abdomen and diaphragm, but like I said- easier time breathing. Today I didn't have much of the pain from my bladder, but had just diffuse pain all over my lower abdomen all day (4). And then once I went and did the CT scan and had to take several deep breaths, the chest pain and tightness got worse. Chicken or Lupron, people? I have no idea.

I'm excited for a little weekend time with Ben. No work, all play! I'm going to try to meet up with my coworkers for lunch tomorrow too! I had an absolute amazing meeting with my supervisor's supervisor yesterday that left me feeling so blessed to be at my company. Almost everyone is incredibly supportive and very optomistic about my future at the company. I got great feedback! I'm thinking more and more about taking the management track and becoming a people leader. I love working with people, and I'm a talker...so I think that will fit me. I'm still keeping my options open, but this supervisor seemed to think I had a fast track ahead of me, and that I was going places. Now it's just up to my health to let me get there! Stop holding me back, body. I've been there for you for 25 years, help a sister out. ;)

Ok, sidenote. I've had a lot of time on my hands to do some reading. I went to the bookstore the other day and picked up "The Last Lecture". If you haven't already, get it. Read it. Live it. But make sure to read slowly over some of the short pieces in the back, let them sink in. I was blown away by the simple truth splashed amongst the few pages in this little book. I still have about 15 pages left, but I can't wait to open it up again every time I have to close it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to feel lonely once I've finished drinking in the wisdom of this book. I'll read it over and over I'm sure.

Dynamic Blog Duo!

So Ben is helping me blog tonight, because there's something I think he needs to get off his chest. Let me explain. Say we go back about three hours. I had just gotten to Ben's place after a courageous three hour day at work. Ben, after spending eight grueling hours at the office, got home before I showed up. He was on the computer. I sat on the couch. He remained on the computer. I watched some tv. Ben...sat at the computer. I got sad. Ben stayed on the computer.

Now, this was all in my head. Ben was sitting at the computer working on something after getting up to greet me, yelling from the kitchen several times that he missed me, and that he loves me, and then finally finishing quickly so he could come sit with me on the couch. We proceeded to chat about our days. Happy time.

In my head, we were chatting, and then Ben dropped the absolute worst bombshell known to mankind. He was taking a day off of work when I had to be in the office...for the entire day. He was going to be at his house, and I was...for the first time in weeks...not going to be there. I was devastated.

In Ben's head, we were chatting about our days. Happy times.

So I sank into a deep trecherous hole of a depression. And then I felt the right side of my body go numb because he was squishing me on the couch, cuddling me. So...I proceeded to tell him that he was making me very mad, and of course, that I wanted to kill him.

Ben was no longer having happy time.

Flash forward about twelve and a half seconds and we were laughing about the whole thing. I was obviously totally joking. On the other hand, as Ben so aptly reminded me a few seconds ago...maybe I should think twice before threatening his life. Point taken.

So when I sat down to write a blog about three hours after this fateful event, I asked Ben what I should blog about. "Lupron!" Quite the proclamation. "What about it? Have you noticed any side effects Baby?" hahaha! I absolutely adore his response: "Well, you threatened my life for the first time ever, that might be a side effect". Sad sad sad.

But at least we can laugh about it. ...and that's why I have the best boyfriend in the entire world.

Ups and Downs

So I've decided that I found a pattern. My abdomen hurts more in the morning and gets better usually over the course of the day. And my lungs/diaphragm hurts less in the morning and gets worse over the course of the day. I think the diaphragm pain gets worse because I do things, causing me to breathe more and use the muscle more, causing irritation in whatever it is that's in there...probably endometriosis. I say probably because there's no definitive diagnosis without surgery. They just think that's what it is...but who knows. I'm hoping it is so the Lupron will fix it! :)

I think my abdomen hurts more in the morning from my bladder. I've noticed that my entire pelvic area hurts as I empty my bladder in the morning (too much again? yes, I know). I think going from a full bladder to an empty one is doing something to my abdomen, possibly pulling on adhesions or scar tissue or something? It's pretty excruciating right away, I usually have to curl up in a ball for a little bit right after I go to the bathroom when I wake up...but that gets better, and then doesn't hurt too bad any other time I go to the bathroom, usually. Strange strange. And I can tell it's getting a little worse right now, I'm assuming from the Lupron. Assumptions all over the place today. Just trying to piece it together at this point. I have no idea what to say to the question "how are you feeling?" lately. At least not to the people who actually want to know how I'm really feeling. Normally it's just "Good! Doing better!" But for those who I know are interested, I'm confused as to what to say. I've very hopeful the Lupron will work, I know that much!

Lupron Journal:
Having some trouble falling asleep lately! And then I'm totally exhausted in the mornings. I'm feeling more light headed today and yesterday, and the chest and abdomen pain are a little more intense at times (5/6).

I'm so lucky I have the absolute best boyfriend in the history of mankind to take my mind off everything, and give me a reason to giggle. He really is my reason to avoid grumpiness every day. I just adore him. PLUS, he's wicked helpful with my new diet. The boy's a health nut, I've decided. Now I just have to get him to kick dairy, and we're in it together. ;) Aw, just kidding.

Quick

Lupron Journal:

The sharp pains were actually a little better over the course of the day today and yesterday. The mornings both started off badly, but then over the day, it got better. However, I was sick to my stomache all day today...really not fun stomach problems. It started going away around dinner time, after I slept for about 2 hours. I don't know what the sick stomach is about right now, but I'm definitely thinking more and more about seeing a GI doc.

I'm gonna go to work tomorrow, maybe a little while after I wake up so the pain will have a chance to subside. Let's just hope I'm not having to run to the bathroom every few minutes while I'm there. :(

Back to Normal...ish

So Ben's back now, and I feel like my life isn't on hold anymore :) I like that. I really hate it when he leaves, that's definitely a good thing. And he hates it too...that's even better! hehe!

I've been feeling, well, off lately. Yesterday I had a massive breakdown at work, but it was due to a talk I had with my "mentor", a supervisor in my department. She thought I needed to talk to my direct supervisor about the possibilities of being held back from my accelerated program at work due to my lack of being there. Everyone else has been super understanding, and she was too, she just thought that maybe I should find out what my options would be. But she made the idea of being pulled out of the program to wait for next year seem very real, and that freaked me out. So I had a massive breakdown in a conference room. Then I sucked it up and went to talk to my supervisor. She was completely awesome and told me that I've been a high performer, and that's what's shining through now. She said she wants to play it all by ear, take it one step at a time. She said the last option would be to pull me out of the program, only if I thought I wasn't getting enough out of it or if I felt I wasn't performing well. So I feel better about it, and I'm still positive that the Lupron is going to help!

I also called my surgeon and spoke to one of his fellows about the rectal bleeding, and she was completely unconcerned about it. She said if it continues, I should see a GI, but that she doesn't think it's related to the endo because the surgeon checked and nothing was there. So I'm a little confused, but I'll probably see a GI soon.

I've been getting sick after pretty much every meal. Love that. But I'm getting used to it now, so that's good! :)

Lupron Journal:
I don't think the Lupron is doing much to me so far. I haven't taken the add-back therapy yet because I just got the perscription for it, but I've stayed on my BC so far. I stopped spotting yesterday, and started again today. So I don't know what to do about that. I have been noticing a little more feeling of light headedness lately (2/3) but have no idea if that's related to the Lupron or what was going on before with possibly my ardrenals. We'll see! And the pain in my lower right abdomen and under my rib cage is definitely still there, maybe getting a little worse right now (3/5 depending on the moment).

Day 1, or day 2,191

Today I got my first Lupron injection. It feels like the beginning of something. I keep telling myself it's the beginning of the end of this disease and this pain, and then I don't even believe my own self. But I do have a sense of peace that this was the right decision. I have a sense of serious concern, worry, and oddly- peace. I think the side effects will be apparent, but I think the outcome will be worth it, even though it's definitely not a cure. I feel like I'm molding something here that will be more than I had thought I could become with this post-athlete body of mine. Whether it's something healthy or phenomenal, I don't know. But it still feels like it will be "more". And I'm not one to shy away from that sort of feeling.

I've been trying to figure out how I would organize this blog. It's really just odd ramblings about the peripheral of the damage being done to my body, foreignly. I love odd ramblings. But I also know that before I started this blog, I searched and searched for answers for myself. I looked all over the Internet, I sought doctors, tests, specialists...and what really helped me feel most centered was reading blogs written by other people going through journeys similar to mine. It made me feel in control, ready for the next step, and willing to do what it took to make sure my journey would be successful. I want that for other women who are struggling. I want to make this blog a power center for women who don't know where to turn or how to maneuver this disease, or other struggles they're having with their bodies. So, while odd ramblings are still my numero uno, I think some organization is key.

So, now with the Lupron started- the main reason I started this blog (the lack of understanding of the side effects associated with Lupron baffles me, and pushed me to put my own experience out into the world for others to learn from), I'm going to do a section each post dedicated to side effects, symptoms, and thoughts on what the Lupron may or may not be doing to me. As with any drug, the cause and effect of so called "side effects" is very difficult to differentiate: Is it the drug causing my nausea? Was it the salmon? Was it there before I started the drug? But I will list out what's going on with me each time I write, and hope that it might help someone who will possibly go through the same. Or it will help someone decide A) there's no chance in hell I'm doing that to my body, no matter what some study shows it might do to help the endo, or B) bring it on, if that wussy girl could handle it, I'm in. Double the dose, doc! In which case I respond, bring it lady.

It won't be at the beginning, middle, or end in particular. As soon as it comes to me to write it, I'll start the section. Maybe I'll entitle it: Loopy...or maybe just Lupron Journal. I would love to say I'll rate my pain, but those pain ratings are so strange to me. I mean, my 3 is someone's 8, and my 9 could be someone's 5. I just don't get it. What if I did a legend to the pain ratings. Hmm, what's happened to me that's happened to other people- Sleeping: 0, Watching my favorite tv show:0, Eating warm cookies:0...This is fun! I'm getting off track already. Ok, Paper Cut: 1. Hang Nail: 2, Dead Arm: 3, Hard Kick in the Shin: 4, Initial Jammed Toe Pain: 5, Locked Jaw: 6, Bad Air Pain from Laproscopic Surgery: 7, Massive Ovarian Cyst Rupturing without Painkillers: 8/9, (ouch), and some form of serious head trauma that hasn't happened to me: 10. I'm reserving that number for something outrageous. If I say I'm at a 10 one day, call someone. I'm not sure who, just do it, and ask them what to do...and then call someone else and make whatever that was they told you to do happen immediately.
Ok, keep up kids.

Lupron Journal: (can get kind of "Too Much Info" here and there...beware)
The injection was a cinch, almost as lovely as watching my favorite tv show, with an added bit of paper cut (0.5 wink wink). Clever. I really didn't even feel it, so for those of you afraid of needles, have no fear. The sight of the injection started feeling a little bruised around 5 hours after the injection (2). About 5 minutes after the injection I got some sort of rush of adrenaline and felt kinda dizzy, kinda shakey. No biggie though, went away in a couple of minutes. After lunch I got that stomach pain I get after I eat something bad, or the first couple of days of my period, kind of the "I need to get to a restroom asap" feeling (3/4). Went away pretty quickly. After dinner it was worse. Actually had to get to a bathroom. Also, the last couple of days I've been showing some pre-period signs. Today I actually spotted a bit a few hours after the injection. No idea which came first there, the chicken or the Lupron. But there it is nonetheless. I've also had some on and off rectal bleeding for some time now, and never figured out what it was. Came back in full force this afternoon for no reason, just started out of no where. Bizarre. Especially with the new spotting I'm not supposed to be having right now, and the stomach pains. Sounds endo related?

There you have it...take it or leave it. I'm sure eventually I'll be far less detailed. Or will I?
*no*shame*

I'm calling the doc on the bleeding tomorrow, from all orifices. Probably should get the latter-mentioned checked out. I'm also getting blood tests done tomorrow morning for my adrenal symptoms. But mainly, BEN COMES HOME tomorrow (well, today now...it's late)! So excited!

New Endocrinologist and Lupron Nerves

My appointment today with the new Endocrinologist was pretty good. He was interesting, very quiet, and had some good ideas. I got an ultrasound and the nodules on my thyroid are just about the same size as last year, so no worries there. But upon explaining all of the abdomenal pain and discomfort recently, as well as the fatigue, he started asking some other questions that really opened my eyes. He asked about any dizziness upon standing- yeah, crazy amounts lately. He asked about my skin- way dry lately. He asked a few more questions that reminded me of some strange symptoms I've been having and then told me that adrenal gland problems are connected to abdominal issues. He wants me to do some testing for my adrenals, and a bone density scan. I had high cortisol levels a couple of years ago, but we overlooked it. We'll see what these tests have to say.

Well, I'm pretty nervous about the first Lupron injection tomorrow morning. I really wish Ben was here right now. He's across the country, thousands of miles away. I haven't seen him in three days, the longest we've gone without seeing eachother since I had my laparoscopy in California about 4 months ago. He comes back late Friday night, and I can't wait to have him back here. He takes such good care of me, and I always feel better when he's around. I don't know how he does it, but Ben can make me smile no matter what's going on. I'm the luckiest girl in the world. I promise!

My diet's going pretty well. I found some delicious new snacks. First, there's the "Enjoy Life" brand soft baked chewy chocolate chip cookies. Really tasty and allergy aware. I found some Amy's frozen meals that were pretty good- mexican casserole and asian stir fry. All gluten-free. I'm loving hummus right now, and I found some Nut-Thins crackers that are tasty and gluten-free to dip. I've been eating berries like it's my job as well, yummy!

I'll keep posting on how the Lupron goes. Wish me luck, I really hope my body handles it well. I need a break! :)

So I'm premenopausal...

I finally got the call on the Lupron, and I'm scheduled for the first injection on Thursday morning. Will I feel anything right away? From what I've heard the first couple of days are same old, same old. And then it starts a few days later. And I've heard the first couple of weeks are pretty bad because of the surge of estrogen. What are those first bad symptoms you all have experienced?

Ok, some explanation about my reasons for going with the Lupron despite my serious concerns. First, I've been dealing with the pain from endometriosis for about 11 years. The real, life-altering pain for about six years. Not once in this time have I dealt with the kind of pain I'm experiencing now. And mostly, I've never had my life THIS altered by the disease. I'm not working. I'm afraid to exert myself. I was an elite athlete for 18 years. I had a heart disease and severe asthma, and I was still ok. Now I have this awful pain in my abdomen, under my ribs, and I can't get enough air. I'm tired, I'm sad, and I just can't deal with it anymore.

Plus, I got a bunch of blood tests done and almost everything came back normal. My hashimoto's disease is getting worse and it's affecting my thyroid hormones more, but we already knew about that. Nothing else came back positive. So I can't think of anything else that would be going on. And then yesterday's pulmonary appointment was interesting. I didn't mention the idea that the endo was on my diaphragm to the doctor. I wanted to know what he would think of on his own without that diagnosis. I told him I had stage IV endo and had surgery four months ago, and that they found endo all over my lower abdomen, but my upper abdomen was fine. After discussing everything, the doctor said "well, you know, endometriosis can get involved in the lungs". He thinks there might be a chance that I have thoracic endometriosis. Or pleural endo. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It can be really bad apparently, but it usually causes coughing up blood, and I haven't had that. I've only had the lung pain for about three months and I've only had two real periods in that time. So I'm not sure. But I think the Lupron wouldn't be a bad idea- because apparently if left untreated, thoracic endo can cause lung collapse, and be really bad.

So that's where I'm at. I have an appointment about the hashimoto's with a new endocrinologist tomorrow. Gonna ultrasound to make sure the masses aren't getting bigger. And then I start the lupron on Thursday. Wish me luck. And I'll keep updating!