Chestnuts Roasting

It's almost Christmas, I just can't believe it. I absolutely adore the holidays, I think it's something to do with my love language being "gifts"... Anyway, I got to frolic a bit last night in the rain, skipping from store to store finding the perfect Christmas gifts for each person on my list, checking off items one by one, feeling wonderfully productive and glorious all at once. Was that the scene?

No, no no. Last night I could hardly keep my eyes open. I love the holidays, but they're killing me. I have too much to do, too much stress, and not enough time. I wanted a nap so badly last night it was going to eat me alive. I even laid down for about five minutes with the lights off, just to torment myself that much more. As I began to drift off with dreams of sugar plum fairies dancing in my head, I squashed them with the thought of my "To Do List". Very messy.

I attempted to put on my most comfortable jeans, the ones that I bought back in my "not so fit" phase, to the joyous feeling of "suck it in, let's do this"... Yes, even my fat jeans are tight, friends. I've been wearing jeans with holes in them a lot more frequently now a days. Holes where the belt loops used to be before I ripped them off the ump-teenth time I tried to pull the waist up over my adorable little pudge. For a girl who knows pregnancy won't be an easy feat, it's really mean how 5 months pregnant I look right now. I threw on an over sized sweatshirt to cover...well, everything...and ran out the door.

The rain is usually alright with me, I even like it. It's a needed change in this sunny state I live in. Those Christmases of the past that felt like a summer vacation sort of left me wanting something more. So I love it when it's a little gloomy and grey around Christmas time. But last night the puddle outside of my truck door was taunting me. I really think the puddle was there to spite me. I stepped in approximately 7 puddles over the course of my four hour shopping spectacle last night. Each one a little deeper and colder than the last. And each one adding to the sog I was accumulating in my borrowed pair of socks (thanks baby, you know you love me...)

I managed to maintain a little holiday cheer as I drove from one shopping center to the other, merely because of the Christmas music that I found on the radio. If I would have had to listen to hip hop or top 40 last night that would have been it. No one would be seeing this menopausal muffin on Christmas morning. I'd go into hibernation, mostly to save my family from "the wrath". But I took some deep breathes and listened to Nat King Cole make me remember what it's all about. And I drove on. About $400 later and only two people being knocked off my list, I started to get concerned. Not only because I was having trouble shopping for "the list" and not "myself"...but because a very familiar and daunting pain was creeping up. I started having trouble standing up straight- something I've gotten far too used to. But I wasn't about to go home with TWO people marked off the list. So I kept going, only to find that keeping going is like spitting in the face of endometriosis. Have you noticed that? It's like endo has some sort of spiteful personality. "Oh yeah? You wanna shop? You think you're stronger than me? Well here, have a little ovary pain. And maybe a touch of diaphragmatic endometriosis to remind you every minute of every day. Oh, and you're still walking? Well fine, I'll add some gas pain and trouble breathing to the repertoire." What a jackass.

I finally made it home, in one soggy and disgruntled piece. I got most of what I needed, and a little too much extra. But didn't leave myself much time for chores and sleep. After laundry, kitchen cleaning, and finishing a little arts and crafts that I needed to do, I ended up in bed around 12:30am. I had to wake up this morning at 6 again... I'm sleepy.

Numero uno problem with the tiredness right now is that I have my MRI in about 4 hours. I am a "twitcher". Do you know us? We're the ones who smack you in the forehead on the airplane right when we're dosing off. Chronic twitch does not work well with "still environments" like an MRI for instance. When I'm as tired as I am right now, I can fall asleep anywhere they let me lie down. Yep, I've fallen asleep in an MRI, CT Scan, ambulance, physical therapy, you name it. I fell asleep "stretching" with my personal trainer once. I was training really hard though, very tired. In any case, I'm worried I'm going to twitch in the machine and they'll never be able to finish my stupid MRI. I'll be doing those images for hours. "Amy, please hold still" ... "What? Where am I? Oh, sorry- slipped off there for a bit". Over and over and over again. This could get ugly.

Blah! :(

What a horrible day. I just dropped Ben off at the airport for his week long trip back home...without me. I mean, I don't think it's normal to be this sad about a few days without someone. But alas, I get to go visit him and his family the day after Christmas. So I'm excited about that, and a little white Christmas time as well. Although, it has been really cold here in Arizona, so it feels more like winter which is nice.

To add insult to injury, I've got a cold. Sad sad sad. I started feeling bad a couple of days ago but just at night. And with my ridiculous sleep patterns, I haven't been getting enough shut eye. So I think my body just gave in. Hopefully I'll be feeling better by Christmas.

I still can't stop thinking about this cortisol/aldosterone situation. MRI is on Tuesday, I wish Ben could be there. But it's not that big of a deal...I've had so many MRI's before, just never on my head. I wonder what the contrast will be like, I've had contrast injected via IV...I'm guessing that's what they'll do.

I had a rough time yesterday morning and the night before with my moods...but I'm getting them under more control every day. Right now my biggest concern is the weight gain- but a lot of that is from a lack of exercise. A few walks here and there won't combat my increased hunger!!! I'm seriously hungry alllllll the time. That's something I know will be hard for me to control. I'm a foody. So far I've gained about 7 lbs since I started Lupron 5 weeks ago...but my clothes don't fit me at all. And my face is so much rounder!!! It's awful. I'm sure it's not all the Lupron, I've been stressed out, I haven't been able to exercise, and well- I like to eat. Ben and I are gonna buy bikes for Christmas though, so I'm still hopeful.

Fumbling

Lupron Journal:
I've had some increase in abdominal pain since my last post. This pain is kind of all over the place though, so I'm having trouble pin pointing what it is. It definitely hurts pretty bad under my ribs, where my liver is. But my actual ribs have been hurting quite a bit, like I got into a fight or something. It feels almost like muscle pain. And it's on both sides. Yesterday was worse than today, so it's starting to go away- but it was super weird. I thought maybe I fell or something, but no luck. Just random pain apparently. I've been dealing with some crazy sleep patterns as well. I'm ridiculously tired all day, and can't get out of bed if my life depended on it. And then around 8:00pm or so, I'm wide awake. I could go climb trees or something. It's awful! So I've been trying to nap during the times that I'm tired so I can get some sleep- last night I fell asleep at 8:30...but then I woke up at 11:00pm and couldn't fall asleep til 1:30am. Oy!

So at this point, I'm wrestling with all kinds of emotions, thoughts, "symptoms"...I can't get them all straight. With these past test results- high cortisol, high aldosterone, no ACTH stimulation- I'm so confused about what's going on in my body. I've been doing research of course, and I've found so many Cushing's Disease symptoms that match what I've been going through. But so many of these symptoms are menopausal as well. And so many match up with endometriosis, and PCOS, and Hashimoto's... what do I do with all of that?

So I'm getting an MRI of my pituitary next Tuesday to see if there's anything there causing any problems. And then I have another appointment with my endocrinologist in January to go over everything and see what the next steps are. All I know is that I need to get my cortisol levels down, because that can only lead to bad things.

My next step on the home front is trying to alleviate some stress. I can't do anything more about work, I've gotten everything as organized as I can. The rest of the work has to happen. But I need to focus on getting some good sleep so my body can heal, and trying to relax! I'm gonna go back to getting massages hopefully, and I'd really like to start yoga again. We'll see how this plan goes...

24 Hour Urine! Oh my!

Love that title. I'm gearing up for my 24 hour urine collection tomorrow. :) I've got a beautiful brown bag that I have to keep the collection in, tucked away in my refrigerator...gross. They'll test my cortisol levels to see if they're high over the entire course of the day, rather than just spiking in the morning. I guess Cushing's syndrome comes from having high cortisol in the evenings, as well as the mornings. Normally, levels are highest in the mornings, and drop off over the course of the day. That cycle is lost in Cushing's. So that can lead to "night owl effect"...which I'm sure you've seen is a problem of mine from the times I post on this blog. I can be totally dead all day, especially mornings...and then night time comes and I'm wide awake. The only time that goes away is if I'm seriously lacking in the sleep department (and Lupron's not helping terrifically in that capacity). But that's what I've been like my whole life pretty much-and I know a lot of people have that same thing goin' on. There are definitely "night people" out there who just don't do well in the mornings...so maybe that's just it. Who knows, I'm just seeking information at this point, and peeing in an awkward brown bag.

I was looking at my test results some more, and with my elevated cortisol and aldosterone, I also showed an interesting lack of cortisol stimulation from ACTH. They injected me with ACTH which should normally double your body's cortisol levels within an hour...and mine hardly went up at all, and then promptly dropped down below my baseline level by 90 minutes in. That result normally proves adrenal insufficiency, but usually you have low cortisol with adrenal insufficiency. So I don't know. And I'm still not really sure what role high aldosterone plays in all of this. Or if endometriosis could be a factor, or the Lupron. Oy!

I did want to report that my pain levels have been pretty good the last couple of days. And I've been having an easier time controlling my mood swings (easier, not perfect). I still have pain up under my rib cage, and at times it feels very localized to right around my liver and up under my sternum. There is some random sharp pain throughout my abdomen every once in a while, but it's getting better. I have been ridiculously stressed lately though, and it's been taking a toll on me. I know it's got a lot to do with this new test result, and the unanswered questions. Plus I have a huge project starting at work right now, and I want to be awesome at it. So I just feel really overwhelmed, and I don't know how to stop my mind from racing sometimes. I went to bed last night at 2am, and I woke up this morning at 8am totally stressed out, heart and mind racing, thinking about my project and my cortisol. I mean, that just increases my cortisol!! It's a vicious, vicious cycle.

At this point, I want so badly to calm my mind...but I'm a weak human being. And I want answers. And I feel like I can't rest until I know what's wrong with me. I feel as though there might finally be an answer out there for me- and it's been so long since I've felt that way. It definitely doesn't mean I'll actually get an answer, but I want one so badly... It's hard not to think about it. I want to feel well again, I want to feel lively and young. I want my life back.

Calling All Bloggers

I hate doctor's appointments that leave me feeling like I need to spend the next two months googling and 'webmd'ing everything. So I got a bonescan today at the endocrinologist for some adrenal system testing he's been doing. I got a bunch of bloodwork done at the beginning of November, and we were supposed to go over it all as well as the bone scan today. Well, apparently I've "lost some bone" and have "excessively high levels of steroid in my blood". What? Come again? Oh, ok, high cortisol. I understood that. And apparently high aldosterone...never heard of that. Well, now I have to go get an MRI of my brain to "see where it's coming from" is all that he said. Ok...to see where it's coming from- I'm thinking, maybe the MRI will show little firing signs: "Oh, THERE's the cortisol and the aldosterone...ok, now let's treat it". No, upon googling- the ultimate in accurate researching- I found that high levels of cortisol and aldosterone are frequently caused by pituitary tumors. Now that makes sense as to why I have to get an MRI and "see where it's coming from"...he wants to see if there's a tumor that's causing the excess production. Oh ok, sounds good. WHATTTT? Is this right? I know- benign tumor most likely, but what the heck? I hate that. And they simply told me they'd be calling my insurance to see if I need pre-authorization, and that can take "a couple of weeks" and then they would call the scanning place to have them call me to set up an appointment usually "a couple weeks or so after that"... I mean, honestly people. So in about a month or so I may be able to in fact get the MRI and then I have to wait for the doctor to call me if I need to come in to talk about the results. Probably "a couple weeks later" I'm guessing. Good Lord. So in approximately 6 months I'll be able to rest easy. Ridiculous. You do NOT tell me this when I'm menopausal...and you do NOT make me wait on scheduling for months before I can find out what's actually going on. I mean, I'm bound to cause a bit of a ruckus. It's my job, I'm chemically hormonal. What would we do without the wonderful chemically hormonal women out there? We make the world interesting. You think you've got women figured out? Throw one of us in the mix, and watch your head spin.

Alright, I'm just irritated. But does anyone know what any of this mean? Anyone have high cortisol or aldosterone? I asked the doctor if Lupron would affect any of this and he said no. And I can't see Lupron causing bone loss this early, especially because I'm doing a tiny bit of add-back therapy and I've been going crazy on the calcium and vitamin D.

I also got my second Lupron Injection this morning. It didn't hurt at all again. Everything's the same as yesterday except for my emotional outbursts due to my lovely endocrinology appointment. I still have pretty gnarley diaphragm pain...I'm waiting ever so patiently (haha) for that to go away. I wake up every morning thinking this could be the day, no more pain walking or breathing...nope, not today friend- not today.

Help me. Maybe my googling skills are below par. I saw references to Cushing's Syndrome, Conn's Disease, hyperplasia, stress, and some form of thyroid disease. I know I have high levels of thyroglobulin antibodies as well (Hashimoto's disease)...I wonder if that's related. And is the endometriosis related? I had high cortisol once in a test about two years ago but we never looked into it. It wasn't as high as it is now. I've never even heard of aldosterone... If anyone has any ideas about any of this I'd love to know. Waiting for who knows how long to find "actual" answers isn't my forte. ;)

Walk It Out

I've been trying to walk more, just get moving and see what that can do for me. Unfortunately, I haven't had the greatest experience with this "get off the couch" movement. My diaphragm is rebelling against me. It's getting worse right now, but I tried the whole lying around not doing anything situation for a while and all that happened was an excess of cellulite... so I'm gonna try to keep walking through the pain. I'm not doing any intense workouts or anything- just a little "one foot infront of the other" action. Is that too much to ask?

I worked all day plus some today! I love that. Just saying it feels good. My diaphragm makes it difficult every once in a while, but it's not as bad as when I couldn't breathe and my lower abdomen was also screaming at me. So it's a great feeling to get through a whole day of work, even if it's with some pain. Today was my first day in my new department. I'm in a 15 month accelerated management program at work and we rotate every three months through the company. This is my second rotation and it's a project based rotation. So I'll be working on a few projects to help the department and I really want to be there. I don't want to have to tell everyone in my new department what's going on with me. That's my goal: let them believe that I'm fine, that I don't have anything wrong. And of course to blow them away with my awesome skills... ;)

Lupron Journal:
Walking is still hurting my diaphragm, but it's bearable (5). I've had some sharp pains all over my abdomen randomly that come and go really quickly (7). I haven't had too many hot flashes at all- but every once in a while they come. I personally think they're really funny! I haven't had one in a really awkward moment or anything though. But I just get really sweaty and hot and feel like my face is on fire. It makes me laugh! My face is cleared up pretty much now, so I guess that wasn't really Lupron...I don't know. The mood swings are a little less frequent right now, but I'm super easily irritated all the time. Once again, I feel bad for Ben. He's such a champion! I'm getting my second injection tomorrow, we'll see how this goes. Fingers Crossed!!! I'm also getting a bone scan tomorrow and I'm gonna find out about the tests we did on my adrenals. I'm guessing everything came back normal if I haven't heard from them yet.

We're going Christmas tree shopping tonight. We've already been shopping around to find a good one :) We're thinking just a little guy for Ben's apartment would be nice. His apartment isn't big, and we found a 6' tree for $20 that we might keep. We'll see tonight. Now if only we could get a puppy... haha!

So Many Swings

I haven't quite made it to the gym yet, but I did go for a nice walk the other night with Ben, and it was really fun and relaxing. We had to run across a street once and I definitely felt that in my diaphragm, but I was ok. But the next morning I was in a ridiculous amount of pain. All of Thursday I was struggling, it felt like my entire abdomen was covered in adhesions or something. And I wasn't bleeding, so that's not it. I don't understand. Especially because I woke up Friday and it wasn't half as bad. It still hurt yesterday more than normal, but nothing like Thursday. Last night we walked around Wal-Mart at midnight (if you haven't done a little midnight Wal-Mart shopping, hit it up...it's a good time every time!) and I was feeling it in my diaphragm pretty bad. But it was all manageable compared to Thursday. So confusing.

I hadn't had a bad mood swing since last Saturday night...until last night. It didn't last long or cause too much trouble for Ben and I, but it's an awful feeling. I'm starting to see it coming now a little more. I get easily irritable and then I get sad easily. At that point, just about anything will set me off. And when I get set off, I get super mad, really angry, and then I get depressed. I wish I could explain it correctly- if I knew how these mood swings went before I started the Lupron, maybe I could have better prepared myself for it...maybe. I'm sure it's different for everyone who goes through the Lupron injections, but maybe this will help someone better understand what they're going through. So, last night's mood swing was over pretty quickly because we both kind of knew what was going on. At first of course I thought it was Ben's fault, but I realized that he hadn't done anything wrong about ten minutes into it. At that point I went from mad to super super depressed. Ben and I have kind of decided that we need to take a little bit of time to not talk when I start getting upset, because he takes it personally and I get even more irritated. So he walked away and then I felt ridiculously alone. It's a lose-lose really. But eventually we started talking again and I told him that it wasn't his fault, I just couldn't get happy right then. It took me about twenty minutes of Ben's valient attempts to make me laugh before I loosened up a little bit. I had to cry first. SOOO ridiculous. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does this on this drug...please tell me it's not me, that it's the Lupron.

Oh yeah, it all started from jealousy, something I've been increasingly affected by over the last couple of weeks. It wasn't anything that was even done, it was in my head. I started thinking about Ben with another girl...just thinking about it. And it PISSED me off. What's wrong with me? Man, I feel bad for him.

Lupron Journal:
Diaphragm pain is there this morning a little bit (2/3) which is weird because it usually comes on later in the day. It was pretty bad at Wal-Mart last night (6) every once in a while. I've been wicked hungry all the time, don't know if that's related. And I weighed myself yesterday and I'm the exact same weight as before the Lupron, but I'm so much bigger. I have trouble fitting into my clothes and my face is super round. And I wasn't working out before the Lupron either...so it's not just losing muscle and gaining fat. :( I don't know...it makes me sad. The mood swings are obviously still around, maybe getting a little more manageable because we know what's going on- but they're a little more intense (at least the sadness and depression part...I get really down).



Well, today is feeling like a better day, so hopefully I'll get through a weekend without any issues. I have my second injection on Tuesday. Does anyone know how big of a deal it is to get the shots exactly a month apart? I got my first injection on the 6th of November...I'm getting my second one on the 9th of December. I don't know how important it is. Comments? Suggestions? Experiences?

Can't think of a title...

I'm feeling alright today. I had some trouble breathing again in the afternoon, felt like I had to struggle to get air in. But it's not horrible, and I'm thinking about going to the gym actually tonight!! This will be my first time at the gym since the week before my surgery, which was in JULY! Crazy, I used to be an athlete, and a dedicated one at that. It's pretty intense what this disease can do. I'm a completely different person than I was, both inside and out. I need to get back to that girl who could do anything. The one with confidence, with power, with good self esteem and goals for each day. I need to feel worthy again.

It's so important to remember baby steps, though. When I'm feeling good, I want to take over the world. But I have to take it one step at a time or I'll crash and burn. No crashing and burning allowed!

Lupron Journal:
Have some little cramps going on here and there, but manageable (2) and that deep breathing thing. My diaphragm doesn't hurt as bad as it has recently, so I'm super stoked about that. I stopped bleeding finally and I'm confident that I'll be on the up and up now that that's over. My face is also clearing up now...which might even be better than the decreasing diaphragm pain because I get so freaked out over not so lovely skin. I'm funny like that.

Seinfeld Mondays

Ok, Monday Night Football is pretty stellar. But is there anything better than sitting on the couch with my honey watching old school delicious episodes of everyone's favorite? I mean, Jerry is good times people. I was just feeling rather lucky and wanted to write about it.

We actually didn't get to watch much football tonight because of a little escapade to my hysterical niece's 3rd birthday dinner. At a sushi restaurant nonetheless. What 3 year old loves sushi restaurants? Ok, she loves the "dragon noonles" they put together for her...and who can resist the picture with the cat? For those of you who do sushi, you know what I'm talking about. That Polaroid is priceless- especially when it's of a brand new "3 year old" with her Super Duper Outrageously Cute All Teeth No Smile Cheeeeese Smile. Precious. And then after the birthday festivities it was off to visit my cat and roommate (who apparently felt it necessary to buy us a FAKE Christmas tree this year...the roommate, not the cat) and then back up to Scottsdale with Ben for a little Monday night grocery run. Yeah, he's a good boyfriend. He skips out on massive amounts of football to go meander around TJ's in the search for the perfect meats. We spent a good 13 minutes in the meat section. We buy a whole lotta chicken, every time. Gross. Haha! But don't worry, we got back to his apartment with about 2.5 minutes left in the game. You're welcome baby.

I made it through the whole work day yet again. It's becoming almost regular again for me to go to work all day. It had been such a long time of an hour here, an hour there (on a good day). It's nice to feel normal. I had some pain up in my chest again today, I think it's from being on my period. I'm still bleeding by the way. Not too heavy, but it's there- just to make me crazy I think. Oh body, you're so sneaky.

Ps- Ben and I were channel surfing a little bit ago before landing on the inevitable Seinfeld re-runs and stumbled upon "Intervention". We've watched about a quarter of this show once and it's kinda terrifying to be honest. But the description said "32 year old hairstylist has endometriosis". Ok, on an Intervention show? This is the show where they trick the people with these awful disgusting horrible habits into thinking they're in a documentary and then throw an intervention from their loved ones at them, right? Is endometriosis a habit now? We had to watch. First scene, homegirl's doing meth AND heroine and discussing her two previous overdoses in the last six months. Um...ok? Well, the back story showed up and what do you know. She was a Mormon woman who had a lot of pressure on her to get married and have a big family, lots of kids... She was diagnosed with endometriosis at 30 and after surgery was prescribed Lortab for the pain. Well, she started popping pills and eventually stole a prescription pad from a doctor and wrote scripts for Lortab for herself!!! She ended up being a convicted felon from this little mistake and had to go to drug counseling. So, of course, she started doing meth and heroine instead- to escape the pain from the endo and from not being able to have children. I. Was. Blown. Away. What a wonderful story to hear about. I feel awful for this woman, but c'mon. So many of us are dealing with this in such a better way...I guess it empowered me a little. But it also really opened my eyes to how bad it COULD be. I'm lucky I have self control, I'm lucky I have such wonderful support, and I'm lucky that I'm absolutely terrified of pill popping...and heroine.

Lupron Journal:
Chest pain is still present and a little worse than usual (6) at times during the day. It's kind of up under my sternum right now, and on the right side by my liver...ish. Still bleeding, but lighter. I've been super super hungry lately, I don't know if that's related- but I've heard it can be. I'm definitely gaining mad amounts of weight (but not working out at all right now...so no fault but my own). And by the way friends, I've totally been breaking out and it suuuuucks! I'm like a teenager here. Gross. I'm blaming it on the Lupron because I've NEVER had skin problems. gross gross gross. Oh joy!