What a decade.

Tomorrow is the last day of the decade (in my eyes...I mean I know there are those who would say that it's not until 12/31/10...but I personally disagree, because I'm stubborn...). In any case, oh what a decade!

I remember sitting in a middle school gymnasium on 12/31/99 with a bunch of my church friends...I was just a high school kid. We were waiting for something big. Instead, we ate too much popcorn and soda, and slept.

I remember getting into Stanford and wondering if they had made a mistake. They paid for me to come see the campus. They flew their head coach out to visit me, to recruit me. But I still couldn't believe it.

I remember visiting my brother in college, and meeting his future wife for the first time. They were "just friends". I knew better.

I remember falling in love for the first time, and not knowing any better. I remember crying, fighting, running, coming back, and starting all over. I remember wasted time.

I remember feeling young and invincible. Never sleeping, always going. And finally crashing and burning.

I remember victory. The smell of chlorine in a beautiful natatorium, the feeling of the water being colder than I could stand. The pressure. The nauseau. I remember starting the race, and forgetting the rest, until we saw our record!

I remember pain. Surgery after surgery. Health problem after health problem. Always waiting for the end of the struggle and the beginning of "life". Pushing through anything I could, crashing, getting up, trying again. I remember hospitals, wrong diagnoses, pain medication, hoping, crying, quitting, and getting back up again.

I remember graduating from college. I remember the feeling of pride and true accomplishment.

I remember retiring from swimming. Swallowing a huge lump in my throat for months, wishing I was back like the old me. Giving up hope, shutting it out. And then, I remember the first time I thought I could do it again.

I remember failure.

I remember Tayla as a kitten. Scrawny and timid.

I remember family. The birth of two beautiful lives new into our family. Two reminders of what it's all about. Watching them grow into little personalities. Hoping I'd be able to experience birth myself. Feeling supported by a strong bond of people who will always be there for me. I remember feeling incredibly blessed.

I remember true love. When I least expected it. I remember wondering and butterflies. I remember praying that he was it. I remember realizing that he actually was. I remember safety, comfort, and laughter. Then, the most important question I've ever answered, and the best way of asking it I've ever heard of.

I remember the most wonderful day in all of my life. I remember pure joy. Beautiful music. Tears. Shaking hands. The perfect words. The best dance. And a first kiss as Mr. and Mrs.

I remember signing a paper and commiting to a home of our own. Feeling like real grown ups, the weight of the world on our shoulders but not a care at all. Almost losing it, and then locking it down and opening a door!

I remember feeling satisfied. Feeling like my life is truly being lived for the first time, like I've found my purpose and I'm succeeding. I feel accomplished and proud, and I finally feel settled. It's been an unbelievable decade. I have so much to be grateful for, especially the fact that in all of the health problems, the scares, the struggles, and the doubt- I could write this beautiful list of memories with only a fraction of time spent on sorrow. How blessed am I to be able to look past the clouds, see the silver lining, and know that it all happens for a reason. Here's to the next 10 years of surprises, roller coasters, and happiness!

I hope all of you look back with full hearts and good memories that mask the pain that so many of us have felt. I hope you, too, have had 10 years to remember!

Sleepy

I'm feeling extra groggy this evening...still at work and waiting to get out of here (30 minutes past the end of my shift and counting...) I wish I was at home curled up in a blanket and watching our new 55" beauty! ;) But of course, thinking of that reminds me that I really need to go for a run. I did 4.5 miles yesterday when I tried to do 6, so that felt like a failure. Ben and I are heading to a running store tonight to pick up some new shoes. Only 20 days until the Half Marathon!!

I've been thinking a lot more about the big baby question of 2010. With the holidays and my little niece and nephew around, it made it all that much more difficult. You know what's the worst- when you mention "infertility" and everyone (I mean Everyone) says "oh you never know what could happen...don't give up on it...it's when you stop trying that it will happen..." I mean, do they even know what I'm talking about? How can one say something like that when they don't know the full details? Hope is a very sensitive thing. I came to accept the fact that Ben and I won't get the joy of "trying naturally" or the unexpected BFP. I'll be on birth control right up until I start IVF. I'll actually be taking hormones to avoid getting pregnant... I don't want to hear that there could be hope. It was hard enough to accept, but I did. And there's nothing wrong with that. So, here's to hoping that the IVF way can be just as beautiful as anything else.

Grumbling

My stomach is not so good today. It started yesterday morning- I don't know what it is really. But did I mention to you all that I was violently ill TWICE on my honeymoon? Oh yes, twice. The luckiest of them all right here. Let's be honest though, Ben got the short end of that stick. He actually held my hair back as I vomited over the side of our bed the morning after our wedding. Lovely. haha! You're stuck with me now babe!

Yes, I took some expired Zinc the morning after our wedding and was violently ill for about 8 hours. We went to Urgent Care that day because I was so dehydrated that I couldn't walk...our first day in honeymoon bliss. We sat in the waiting room for over an hour. Luckily it only lasted 8 hours. But three days later, after enjoying a wonderful day at our all-inclusive resort on the beach of Playa Mujeres, I ended up right back in the same spot- brand new hubby holding my hair back. I was up all night, pacing back and forth from the bathroom to the bed. Decided to just wait this one out and about 8 hours later I was good to go. No other symptoms. Just horrifically ill.

Well, today my stomach is bringing back not-so-lovely memories of our glorious honeymoon. There weren't very many sad memories, but those were two of our not-as-great ones. :) It's not anything like that right now- I'm not violently ill at all. Just having some stomach problems. And I'm supposed to run 5 miles today!!! With my boss no less! Ha...this could get ugly. "Um...you go ahead, I'm gonna stop at this gas station for a bit...but I'll catch up! Yeah, it's just a leg cramp. That's it..." lol

3 Miles

So it ended up being a three mile run on Thursday- and I felt pretty good. I could have gone four probably, but I hadn't run for a while, so I didn't want to push my knees...they were a bit achey the entire time. I'm gonna try to go run 4 today and then I have 5 on Tuesday with my boss and another coworker.

Ben and I went to my parent's annual wine tasting Christmas party last night! They have become famous for their parties, this was no exception. Last year the food was more elaborate, and this year they asked guests to bring a dessert to share, as well as a white elephant gift! So it was much more relaxed and casual. But those parties wear me out! I'm a talker for sure, I've always been really social...but when it's 75 people of which most know me...that's a lot of talking! We answered a ton of questions about the honeymoon, married life, newlywed drama- the lot. I think it's hysterical when someone comes up to us and asks how the newlywed life is going and if we're happy. What if Ben and I just started off with "Oooh, yeah, it's been tough. Before the wedding things were good, but since...we've been struggling quite a bit. A lot of fighting, much more bickering- it's not good..." Hahaha, I'd love to see there faces! That's not at all how we feel thank goodness. But those questions are really rhetorical- there's one answer allowed: "Oh we're so great! We're having a lot of fun, furnishing the house, decorating, settling in after so much wedding planning! And what's that? The honeymoon? Oh it was to die for. Incredibly relaxing and way too much fun for two people. We didn't want to come home. Oh no, we're glad to be home now, don't worry! We love our home! Yes, incredibly happy newlyweds!" Luckily for everyone, that's pretty close to our honest answer. So it's not too weird. :) Maybe a bit of the bickering from the former answer...but mostly just happy. We're human, right?

Does anyone notice how saying "I do" can make people a little more honest? I mean, I hate to admit it. But I think I'm a little more open to saying what's on my mind now that Ben's the "husband" and not the "boyfriend". I don't want to do the dishes? "I cooked, you do the dishes!" I don't want to scoop the litter box? "She's your cat too, you should do it"... I've always been the type to blurt out anything that comes to my mind, but since the wedding I think I've lost even more of my "filter". I need to keep that in check! He's just too good for me to go bickering at him because it's pops into my head. I love that man!

Oh yes, I was going to tell you about the white elephant gift exchange! There were probably 70 people doing this, so it was quite the event. We're sitting outside in the Arizona winter, the fire was going, the space heaters were swarmed. My Dad is of course standing in front of everyone commanding their attention- leading the event. He calls my number and I pick a present (I'm within the first few people), and I got a cute little martini glass with watches and clocks on it that says "It's Five O' Clock Somewhere" which is so true, so I'm elated at my gift. ;) and then the game continues. ...Probably an hour and 15 minutes later, poor Ben's number hasn't been called. I've already gone back inside three times to refill my wine glass. He's just out there waiting, shivering (which is funny because I wasn't all that cold and I had a $10 jacket on...which I got at Ross, love it). FINALLY they call Ben's number, but we had been plotting for quite some time. A gift was unwrapped about 45 minutes ago that was perfect for us...we had to have it. And the best part, my Dad stole it about 15 minutes ago so HE was the proud owner! But there was one more steal left in that gift, so if Ben took it- it was ours for good. He climbed up to stand next to my Dad, introduced himself as the man who married Mike's beautiful daughter, and proceeded to steal the MULLET WIG right off of my Dad's head! It was too good. Especially when Ben explained to the whole group that he already has a mullet wig at home, and he needed to get a matching one for his darling wife! Wonderful. I wore it for the next 5 minutes, then promptly removed it from my head remembering that the mullet wig was in fact someone elses before it was mine...gross. haha! Merry Christmas! :)

How many miles?

I haven't run in a week. Well, a little over a week really. I sort of tried to run two days ago but gave up after a half mile.

Two weeks ago I ran six miles and felt pretty good. I got to that sort of numb phase where my body just let me run without too much effort. That hasn't happened to me much, let me tell you. The normal amount of effort I have to put in to running three miles is pretty embarrassing. But those six went by kind of quickly. After I warmed down and walked into the house, I noticed something wasn't quite right with my left knee. I walked it off and got into our icey cold pool in the backyard to freeze my legs (it's really crazy, you should see me out there in the cold, standing in a pool with a big sweatshirt on to cover my top half...shivering...but it helps with muscle soreness so much!). I used to do that back when I was a swimmer, it made a really hard workout or a big swim meet just disappear as far as my body was concerned. But it didn't work this time. I got out of the pool and still noticed that ever so frustrating pain of an "overuse" injury.

Now, two weeks later, it's still not quite right. But it's starting to hurt less when I walk down stairs. So I'm going to go run again tonight. I think at this point, two weeks later, I'll feel comfortable pushing through some pain. You can't ever do something that you've never done before without pushing through some amount of pain and discomfort. Your body's not used to it, you can't expect to keep it 100% happy. So the question of the evening is just how many miles. I'm shooting for three, hoping for four, expecting two....sounds like a good plan, no?
...



So there's something else I've been wanting to write down. It's kind of funny how uncomfortable I am writing about it. Not because of me, but because of my wonderful husband. He's a good man, a great man. And I'm so in love with him. And he's been there for me tremendously. And he wants to be "just us" for a while. Therein lies the discomfort.

I'm not going to lie to myself and say that I don't think about it pretty much constantly. And now that the wedding is over, it doesn't help that so many people actually ask about it (really, quite a few more people than I would have thought- I'm only 26...and we've been married for less than 2 months...). If I didn't know that things were going to be difficult, I'd be absolutely on board with waiting for a couple of years. That time of just being us, travelling, lack of responsibility, sleeping in... it sounds kind of nice. I'm enjoying it right now truly. But there it is, sitting in the back parts and tucked away in the corners of my mind, "babies". We've got a jump start with the knowledge. Skipping straight to IVF isn't romantic...but I guess it's efficient. Or at least moreso. But who knows how long it will take- how many tries- or IF it will take. When you hear an RE tell you that you needed to start trying yesterday, it stirs something up in a girl. But to Ben, it just made him think that guy was pushy.

I guess I'd get it if Ben didn't know he wanted kids. Or if he was all about adoption. But he's as excited as I am about trying for our own...he just wants to hold off for a little while. But what is that risking?

He's got a point. We need to have time together, just the two of us. I love us. I'm just scared of the unknown. And I'm a planner, what can I say. Especially with the thoughts of MBA's and career pathing. I'd like to line it all up in a spreadsheet, month by month. "And baby fits in around March..."

Oh if only.

GMAT vs GRE?

Ha, ok so that's jumping the gun quite a bit. I just had a conversation with my boss about going back to graduate school. That's an incredibly exciting idea for me- I love a challenge, and I'm extremely competitive, so if it's something I think would be difficult for me...I want to try my hand at it. Especially if there's a chance it would really set me apart in my career. And then I stop to think about my life.

What's great about my boss is that I can really talk to her about "me". She knows most of my health problems, she knows my desires and struggles. She's supportive, and she's a pusher. It's a recipe for quite the disaster when a motivated person comes along! I love it. But I'm not just me anymore. I have a husband to think about. A new home. A life. And a future that's so incredibly uncertain in part. All I know is that Ben and I will be in it together, but what will we be doing? One minute I think we've got it all figured out. We're where we want to be. Then the next I want to climb mountains and shoot off fireworks. I'm a nut case really, but in a good way I promise. (I guess that depends on who you ask).

So what is it? Career? Family? The age old question that we so often say doesn't even need to be a question at all. "You can have both!" I mean, I went to Stanford, I was neck deep in the liberal woman atmosphere that beckons it. But I also know that I'm not just any woman in some ways. I'm "special" shall we say... There's a lot behind that statement for sure.

I want both. But at what sacrifice?

A New Beginning

This is me, returning to my writing.

It's been a long time, and so much has happened in these last months. It's really exciting to think of how impossible it would be to do a re-cap post. I couldn't possibly put it all down into one post. And honestly, words couldn't really capture the beauty of it all.

So in the hopes to at least slightly record those dark ages...

The wedding planning was delirious. There's not a chance in this world I could have pulled it off without my wonderful Mom and Dad, my talented sister-in-law, and my perfect maid of honor. They really wrapped the incredibly beautiful bow around the whole package.

The actual wedding was better than anything I've ever experienced. It was the thing dreams are made of, only none of my dreams ever compared...it was so good! Our ceremony was short but personal, and very emotional. The reception was awesome- the perfect mood and setting. I cried at least three times and danced the night away with my loving husband.

The honeymoon was unreal. One week in Cancun, basking in the sun at an all-inclusive resort. One week at Disneyworld, reminiscing about our Disneyland engagement. So relaxing and so fun at the same time.

We own a home! Our amazing 3 bedroom plus a den, 2 bathroom, single level with a pebble-tec pool just about a mile away from my favorite shopping mall and a freeway that will take you wherever you want to go dream house is superb. We're loving setting up house, furnishing, decorating, the lot!

We saw a Reproductive Endocrinologist who told us that the only way I can have babies is by IVF...mainly because my endometriosis is too aggressive to actually take me off of birth control for long enough to get pregnant. So with that in mind, we've decided to take 6 months to just be married- not really talk about it too much, and then in April we will sit down and have the talk. We'll decide if that's the right time to look into it and get started or if we want to wait longer. It won't be easy, with my brain tumor I have to do a bunch of other tests as well to make sure that it won't get bigger when I do get pregnant, etc... but it will all be worth it in the end. We just need to make sure we're in the right state of mind going into the whole thing.

And work is all a big learning experience. I'm a supervisor now, and everyday is a new lesson. I love that, and I hate that at the same time. I do enjoy actually being "good" at something...but I'll get there.

Finally, I'm training for a Half Marathon!!! Yeah, you heard me. I've lost about 30 pounds and I'm running (up to 6 miles at a time at this point). I have about 40 days until the big race, and I'm excited, scared, and pumped all at the same time.

So that's enough from the past. I'll be back, don't you worry. Everyday there is something to write, something to remember, something to share. I'll meet you here.