I've been...a disaster. I cannot for the life of me seem to escape this stress. It's causing quite a few problems, health wise and of course with Ben and I. I think I'm heading for a bit of a crash, I've been feeling that really really ridiculously tired feeling a lot recently. Last time that started happening, I was out for the count for weeks. I'm gaining a lot of weight, my face is definitely breaking out bad now, and my skin is hurting all over. I just want to get away from it, but I can't. I have to accept it. So difficult.
I feel bad for Ben everyday. But recently I've been lacking in the tolerance category. He's having to cope with all of this, too. I need to give him time and understanding. But I just need to lean on him. I need support, because I feel like I'm drowning. We've been fighting over little things, stupid things. I get upset so easily, I'm really sensitive right now. And then he gets upset that he's upsetting me or that I'm being so sensitive...and then it upsets me that he gets upset...it's a vicious and totally ridiculous cycle. But then he will just hold me sometimes and I feel so much better. I couldn't do this without him.
The Lupron is the devil. Now, don't get me wrong. Nothing has changed. I'm actually getting used to it...which is EVIL! Because now, I'll have a mood swing and I won't notice that it's the Lupron. I'll just think that it's me, and if I'm feeling that way then it must be valid. Wrong! Not valid. It's hardly ever valid...but it's there, and we have to deal with it. Which was fine before when I recognized that Lupron was making me crazy. I have to remember the hormones! And honestly, being on Lupron when you find out you have a brain tumor and have to get brain surgery? That's just wrong. It should be some sort of requirement: get patient off of Lupron, allow chemical menopause to cease, then inform patient of said brain tumor!
I'm also struggling with work. What do I do? I don't have a timeline for when the surgery will be or how long the recovery will take. Apparently it's different for every case. What do I tell them? I'm in this rotational program, will I miss a whole rotation? I'm also knee deep in a controversial project for my current rotation...will I be able to finish it? Should I delay the surgery to be able to finish it? When I'm at work though, I'm totally worthless. I think about this stupid disease all the time...I think about the friggin surgery all day long. I do not, do NOT, want to get surgery again. My last one caused all kinds of problems, now this one is Brain surgery! No good...I'm worried about the pain and the recovery. I just want to know exactly how it will go. If anyone is reading this who has experience with this surgery, let me know what the recovery was like. How long will I be off work? Work is super stressful, and it will be for the next year or so until I'm out of the program...all kinds of projects, presentations... oY!
Ok, I think I need to sleep.
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3 comments:
I'm sorry-I can't give you any of the answers you seek about your surgery. I hope that someone will be able to help ease your mind. If it were me, I'd rather go ahead and get it done if there was a choice. Try not to worry too much about the logistics until you get more information. I know that's hard. Once you have more details from your Dr., then you will be able to make better decisions that will hopefully be less stressful.
Did they say anything about stopping the Lupron before the surgery? I can't imagine this at all easy for anyone with regular hormones...no doubt it's difficult when your hormones are all over the place.
Thinking of you and hoping you can find some peace from your stresses first. God Bless!
I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am that you are having to deal with all of this *hug* I mean endometriosis itself is bad enough, the lupron messes you you big time (I'm still suffering from its effects after only one month of it) and it is so hard when you feel so weak yourself and yet you can see it affecting your partner... I cannot begin to understand how hard it is for you with the added stresses of the need for brain surgery and I feel so much for you!
I am keeping you in my thoughts and praying things will get better for you and you will find the support you need. I wish I had some answers for you, but I don't. All I can say is I am here for you, wishing you well and ready to talk anytime you need it.
Recovery will vary from person to person, also depending on whether you got cured or not. Also, since you are young and maybe have not been dealing with Cushing's long term, you can bounce back faster. This is a major surgery though, and you have to take it easy. After surgery, your cortisol will take a nose dive and you have to be on cortisol replacements and wean down. If you do too much and stress your body, you can have an adrenal crisis, and that is serious. You can't push yourself too hard. You have to take it easy for a while.
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