Chestnuts Roasting

It's almost Christmas, I just can't believe it. I absolutely adore the holidays, I think it's something to do with my love language being "gifts"... Anyway, I got to frolic a bit last night in the rain, skipping from store to store finding the perfect Christmas gifts for each person on my list, checking off items one by one, feeling wonderfully productive and glorious all at once. Was that the scene?

No, no no. Last night I could hardly keep my eyes open. I love the holidays, but they're killing me. I have too much to do, too much stress, and not enough time. I wanted a nap so badly last night it was going to eat me alive. I even laid down for about five minutes with the lights off, just to torment myself that much more. As I began to drift off with dreams of sugar plum fairies dancing in my head, I squashed them with the thought of my "To Do List". Very messy.

I attempted to put on my most comfortable jeans, the ones that I bought back in my "not so fit" phase, to the joyous feeling of "suck it in, let's do this"... Yes, even my fat jeans are tight, friends. I've been wearing jeans with holes in them a lot more frequently now a days. Holes where the belt loops used to be before I ripped them off the ump-teenth time I tried to pull the waist up over my adorable little pudge. For a girl who knows pregnancy won't be an easy feat, it's really mean how 5 months pregnant I look right now. I threw on an over sized sweatshirt to cover...well, everything...and ran out the door.

The rain is usually alright with me, I even like it. It's a needed change in this sunny state I live in. Those Christmases of the past that felt like a summer vacation sort of left me wanting something more. So I love it when it's a little gloomy and grey around Christmas time. But last night the puddle outside of my truck door was taunting me. I really think the puddle was there to spite me. I stepped in approximately 7 puddles over the course of my four hour shopping spectacle last night. Each one a little deeper and colder than the last. And each one adding to the sog I was accumulating in my borrowed pair of socks (thanks baby, you know you love me...)

I managed to maintain a little holiday cheer as I drove from one shopping center to the other, merely because of the Christmas music that I found on the radio. If I would have had to listen to hip hop or top 40 last night that would have been it. No one would be seeing this menopausal muffin on Christmas morning. I'd go into hibernation, mostly to save my family from "the wrath". But I took some deep breathes and listened to Nat King Cole make me remember what it's all about. And I drove on. About $400 later and only two people being knocked off my list, I started to get concerned. Not only because I was having trouble shopping for "the list" and not "myself"...but because a very familiar and daunting pain was creeping up. I started having trouble standing up straight- something I've gotten far too used to. But I wasn't about to go home with TWO people marked off the list. So I kept going, only to find that keeping going is like spitting in the face of endometriosis. Have you noticed that? It's like endo has some sort of spiteful personality. "Oh yeah? You wanna shop? You think you're stronger than me? Well here, have a little ovary pain. And maybe a touch of diaphragmatic endometriosis to remind you every minute of every day. Oh, and you're still walking? Well fine, I'll add some gas pain and trouble breathing to the repertoire." What a jackass.

I finally made it home, in one soggy and disgruntled piece. I got most of what I needed, and a little too much extra. But didn't leave myself much time for chores and sleep. After laundry, kitchen cleaning, and finishing a little arts and crafts that I needed to do, I ended up in bed around 12:30am. I had to wake up this morning at 6 again... I'm sleepy.

Numero uno problem with the tiredness right now is that I have my MRI in about 4 hours. I am a "twitcher". Do you know us? We're the ones who smack you in the forehead on the airplane right when we're dosing off. Chronic twitch does not work well with "still environments" like an MRI for instance. When I'm as tired as I am right now, I can fall asleep anywhere they let me lie down. Yep, I've fallen asleep in an MRI, CT Scan, ambulance, physical therapy, you name it. I fell asleep "stretching" with my personal trainer once. I was training really hard though, very tired. In any case, I'm worried I'm going to twitch in the machine and they'll never be able to finish my stupid MRI. I'll be doing those images for hours. "Amy, please hold still" ... "What? Where am I? Oh, sorry- slipped off there for a bit". Over and over and over again. This could get ugly.

Blah! :(

What a horrible day. I just dropped Ben off at the airport for his week long trip back home...without me. I mean, I don't think it's normal to be this sad about a few days without someone. But alas, I get to go visit him and his family the day after Christmas. So I'm excited about that, and a little white Christmas time as well. Although, it has been really cold here in Arizona, so it feels more like winter which is nice.

To add insult to injury, I've got a cold. Sad sad sad. I started feeling bad a couple of days ago but just at night. And with my ridiculous sleep patterns, I haven't been getting enough shut eye. So I think my body just gave in. Hopefully I'll be feeling better by Christmas.

I still can't stop thinking about this cortisol/aldosterone situation. MRI is on Tuesday, I wish Ben could be there. But it's not that big of a deal...I've had so many MRI's before, just never on my head. I wonder what the contrast will be like, I've had contrast injected via IV...I'm guessing that's what they'll do.

I had a rough time yesterday morning and the night before with my moods...but I'm getting them under more control every day. Right now my biggest concern is the weight gain- but a lot of that is from a lack of exercise. A few walks here and there won't combat my increased hunger!!! I'm seriously hungry alllllll the time. That's something I know will be hard for me to control. I'm a foody. So far I've gained about 7 lbs since I started Lupron 5 weeks ago...but my clothes don't fit me at all. And my face is so much rounder!!! It's awful. I'm sure it's not all the Lupron, I've been stressed out, I haven't been able to exercise, and well- I like to eat. Ben and I are gonna buy bikes for Christmas though, so I'm still hopeful.

Fumbling

Lupron Journal:
I've had some increase in abdominal pain since my last post. This pain is kind of all over the place though, so I'm having trouble pin pointing what it is. It definitely hurts pretty bad under my ribs, where my liver is. But my actual ribs have been hurting quite a bit, like I got into a fight or something. It feels almost like muscle pain. And it's on both sides. Yesterday was worse than today, so it's starting to go away- but it was super weird. I thought maybe I fell or something, but no luck. Just random pain apparently. I've been dealing with some crazy sleep patterns as well. I'm ridiculously tired all day, and can't get out of bed if my life depended on it. And then around 8:00pm or so, I'm wide awake. I could go climb trees or something. It's awful! So I've been trying to nap during the times that I'm tired so I can get some sleep- last night I fell asleep at 8:30...but then I woke up at 11:00pm and couldn't fall asleep til 1:30am. Oy!

So at this point, I'm wrestling with all kinds of emotions, thoughts, "symptoms"...I can't get them all straight. With these past test results- high cortisol, high aldosterone, no ACTH stimulation- I'm so confused about what's going on in my body. I've been doing research of course, and I've found so many Cushing's Disease symptoms that match what I've been going through. But so many of these symptoms are menopausal as well. And so many match up with endometriosis, and PCOS, and Hashimoto's... what do I do with all of that?

So I'm getting an MRI of my pituitary next Tuesday to see if there's anything there causing any problems. And then I have another appointment with my endocrinologist in January to go over everything and see what the next steps are. All I know is that I need to get my cortisol levels down, because that can only lead to bad things.

My next step on the home front is trying to alleviate some stress. I can't do anything more about work, I've gotten everything as organized as I can. The rest of the work has to happen. But I need to focus on getting some good sleep so my body can heal, and trying to relax! I'm gonna go back to getting massages hopefully, and I'd really like to start yoga again. We'll see how this plan goes...

24 Hour Urine! Oh my!

Love that title. I'm gearing up for my 24 hour urine collection tomorrow. :) I've got a beautiful brown bag that I have to keep the collection in, tucked away in my refrigerator...gross. They'll test my cortisol levels to see if they're high over the entire course of the day, rather than just spiking in the morning. I guess Cushing's syndrome comes from having high cortisol in the evenings, as well as the mornings. Normally, levels are highest in the mornings, and drop off over the course of the day. That cycle is lost in Cushing's. So that can lead to "night owl effect"...which I'm sure you've seen is a problem of mine from the times I post on this blog. I can be totally dead all day, especially mornings...and then night time comes and I'm wide awake. The only time that goes away is if I'm seriously lacking in the sleep department (and Lupron's not helping terrifically in that capacity). But that's what I've been like my whole life pretty much-and I know a lot of people have that same thing goin' on. There are definitely "night people" out there who just don't do well in the mornings...so maybe that's just it. Who knows, I'm just seeking information at this point, and peeing in an awkward brown bag.

I was looking at my test results some more, and with my elevated cortisol and aldosterone, I also showed an interesting lack of cortisol stimulation from ACTH. They injected me with ACTH which should normally double your body's cortisol levels within an hour...and mine hardly went up at all, and then promptly dropped down below my baseline level by 90 minutes in. That result normally proves adrenal insufficiency, but usually you have low cortisol with adrenal insufficiency. So I don't know. And I'm still not really sure what role high aldosterone plays in all of this. Or if endometriosis could be a factor, or the Lupron. Oy!

I did want to report that my pain levels have been pretty good the last couple of days. And I've been having an easier time controlling my mood swings (easier, not perfect). I still have pain up under my rib cage, and at times it feels very localized to right around my liver and up under my sternum. There is some random sharp pain throughout my abdomen every once in a while, but it's getting better. I have been ridiculously stressed lately though, and it's been taking a toll on me. I know it's got a lot to do with this new test result, and the unanswered questions. Plus I have a huge project starting at work right now, and I want to be awesome at it. So I just feel really overwhelmed, and I don't know how to stop my mind from racing sometimes. I went to bed last night at 2am, and I woke up this morning at 8am totally stressed out, heart and mind racing, thinking about my project and my cortisol. I mean, that just increases my cortisol!! It's a vicious, vicious cycle.

At this point, I want so badly to calm my mind...but I'm a weak human being. And I want answers. And I feel like I can't rest until I know what's wrong with me. I feel as though there might finally be an answer out there for me- and it's been so long since I've felt that way. It definitely doesn't mean I'll actually get an answer, but I want one so badly... It's hard not to think about it. I want to feel well again, I want to feel lively and young. I want my life back.

Calling All Bloggers

I hate doctor's appointments that leave me feeling like I need to spend the next two months googling and 'webmd'ing everything. So I got a bonescan today at the endocrinologist for some adrenal system testing he's been doing. I got a bunch of bloodwork done at the beginning of November, and we were supposed to go over it all as well as the bone scan today. Well, apparently I've "lost some bone" and have "excessively high levels of steroid in my blood". What? Come again? Oh, ok, high cortisol. I understood that. And apparently high aldosterone...never heard of that. Well, now I have to go get an MRI of my brain to "see where it's coming from" is all that he said. Ok...to see where it's coming from- I'm thinking, maybe the MRI will show little firing signs: "Oh, THERE's the cortisol and the aldosterone...ok, now let's treat it". No, upon googling- the ultimate in accurate researching- I found that high levels of cortisol and aldosterone are frequently caused by pituitary tumors. Now that makes sense as to why I have to get an MRI and "see where it's coming from"...he wants to see if there's a tumor that's causing the excess production. Oh ok, sounds good. WHATTTT? Is this right? I know- benign tumor most likely, but what the heck? I hate that. And they simply told me they'd be calling my insurance to see if I need pre-authorization, and that can take "a couple of weeks" and then they would call the scanning place to have them call me to set up an appointment usually "a couple weeks or so after that"... I mean, honestly people. So in about a month or so I may be able to in fact get the MRI and then I have to wait for the doctor to call me if I need to come in to talk about the results. Probably "a couple weeks later" I'm guessing. Good Lord. So in approximately 6 months I'll be able to rest easy. Ridiculous. You do NOT tell me this when I'm menopausal...and you do NOT make me wait on scheduling for months before I can find out what's actually going on. I mean, I'm bound to cause a bit of a ruckus. It's my job, I'm chemically hormonal. What would we do without the wonderful chemically hormonal women out there? We make the world interesting. You think you've got women figured out? Throw one of us in the mix, and watch your head spin.

Alright, I'm just irritated. But does anyone know what any of this mean? Anyone have high cortisol or aldosterone? I asked the doctor if Lupron would affect any of this and he said no. And I can't see Lupron causing bone loss this early, especially because I'm doing a tiny bit of add-back therapy and I've been going crazy on the calcium and vitamin D.

I also got my second Lupron Injection this morning. It didn't hurt at all again. Everything's the same as yesterday except for my emotional outbursts due to my lovely endocrinology appointment. I still have pretty gnarley diaphragm pain...I'm waiting ever so patiently (haha) for that to go away. I wake up every morning thinking this could be the day, no more pain walking or breathing...nope, not today friend- not today.

Help me. Maybe my googling skills are below par. I saw references to Cushing's Syndrome, Conn's Disease, hyperplasia, stress, and some form of thyroid disease. I know I have high levels of thyroglobulin antibodies as well (Hashimoto's disease)...I wonder if that's related. And is the endometriosis related? I had high cortisol once in a test about two years ago but we never looked into it. It wasn't as high as it is now. I've never even heard of aldosterone... If anyone has any ideas about any of this I'd love to know. Waiting for who knows how long to find "actual" answers isn't my forte. ;)

Walk It Out

I've been trying to walk more, just get moving and see what that can do for me. Unfortunately, I haven't had the greatest experience with this "get off the couch" movement. My diaphragm is rebelling against me. It's getting worse right now, but I tried the whole lying around not doing anything situation for a while and all that happened was an excess of cellulite... so I'm gonna try to keep walking through the pain. I'm not doing any intense workouts or anything- just a little "one foot infront of the other" action. Is that too much to ask?

I worked all day plus some today! I love that. Just saying it feels good. My diaphragm makes it difficult every once in a while, but it's not as bad as when I couldn't breathe and my lower abdomen was also screaming at me. So it's a great feeling to get through a whole day of work, even if it's with some pain. Today was my first day in my new department. I'm in a 15 month accelerated management program at work and we rotate every three months through the company. This is my second rotation and it's a project based rotation. So I'll be working on a few projects to help the department and I really want to be there. I don't want to have to tell everyone in my new department what's going on with me. That's my goal: let them believe that I'm fine, that I don't have anything wrong. And of course to blow them away with my awesome skills... ;)

Lupron Journal:
Walking is still hurting my diaphragm, but it's bearable (5). I've had some sharp pains all over my abdomen randomly that come and go really quickly (7). I haven't had too many hot flashes at all- but every once in a while they come. I personally think they're really funny! I haven't had one in a really awkward moment or anything though. But I just get really sweaty and hot and feel like my face is on fire. It makes me laugh! My face is cleared up pretty much now, so I guess that wasn't really Lupron...I don't know. The mood swings are a little less frequent right now, but I'm super easily irritated all the time. Once again, I feel bad for Ben. He's such a champion! I'm getting my second injection tomorrow, we'll see how this goes. Fingers Crossed!!! I'm also getting a bone scan tomorrow and I'm gonna find out about the tests we did on my adrenals. I'm guessing everything came back normal if I haven't heard from them yet.

We're going Christmas tree shopping tonight. We've already been shopping around to find a good one :) We're thinking just a little guy for Ben's apartment would be nice. His apartment isn't big, and we found a 6' tree for $20 that we might keep. We'll see tonight. Now if only we could get a puppy... haha!

So Many Swings

I haven't quite made it to the gym yet, but I did go for a nice walk the other night with Ben, and it was really fun and relaxing. We had to run across a street once and I definitely felt that in my diaphragm, but I was ok. But the next morning I was in a ridiculous amount of pain. All of Thursday I was struggling, it felt like my entire abdomen was covered in adhesions or something. And I wasn't bleeding, so that's not it. I don't understand. Especially because I woke up Friday and it wasn't half as bad. It still hurt yesterday more than normal, but nothing like Thursday. Last night we walked around Wal-Mart at midnight (if you haven't done a little midnight Wal-Mart shopping, hit it up...it's a good time every time!) and I was feeling it in my diaphragm pretty bad. But it was all manageable compared to Thursday. So confusing.

I hadn't had a bad mood swing since last Saturday night...until last night. It didn't last long or cause too much trouble for Ben and I, but it's an awful feeling. I'm starting to see it coming now a little more. I get easily irritable and then I get sad easily. At that point, just about anything will set me off. And when I get set off, I get super mad, really angry, and then I get depressed. I wish I could explain it correctly- if I knew how these mood swings went before I started the Lupron, maybe I could have better prepared myself for it...maybe. I'm sure it's different for everyone who goes through the Lupron injections, but maybe this will help someone better understand what they're going through. So, last night's mood swing was over pretty quickly because we both kind of knew what was going on. At first of course I thought it was Ben's fault, but I realized that he hadn't done anything wrong about ten minutes into it. At that point I went from mad to super super depressed. Ben and I have kind of decided that we need to take a little bit of time to not talk when I start getting upset, because he takes it personally and I get even more irritated. So he walked away and then I felt ridiculously alone. It's a lose-lose really. But eventually we started talking again and I told him that it wasn't his fault, I just couldn't get happy right then. It took me about twenty minutes of Ben's valient attempts to make me laugh before I loosened up a little bit. I had to cry first. SOOO ridiculous. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does this on this drug...please tell me it's not me, that it's the Lupron.

Oh yeah, it all started from jealousy, something I've been increasingly affected by over the last couple of weeks. It wasn't anything that was even done, it was in my head. I started thinking about Ben with another girl...just thinking about it. And it PISSED me off. What's wrong with me? Man, I feel bad for him.

Lupron Journal:
Diaphragm pain is there this morning a little bit (2/3) which is weird because it usually comes on later in the day. It was pretty bad at Wal-Mart last night (6) every once in a while. I've been wicked hungry all the time, don't know if that's related. And I weighed myself yesterday and I'm the exact same weight as before the Lupron, but I'm so much bigger. I have trouble fitting into my clothes and my face is super round. And I wasn't working out before the Lupron either...so it's not just losing muscle and gaining fat. :( I don't know...it makes me sad. The mood swings are obviously still around, maybe getting a little more manageable because we know what's going on- but they're a little more intense (at least the sadness and depression part...I get really down).



Well, today is feeling like a better day, so hopefully I'll get through a weekend without any issues. I have my second injection on Tuesday. Does anyone know how big of a deal it is to get the shots exactly a month apart? I got my first injection on the 6th of November...I'm getting my second one on the 9th of December. I don't know how important it is. Comments? Suggestions? Experiences?

Can't think of a title...

I'm feeling alright today. I had some trouble breathing again in the afternoon, felt like I had to struggle to get air in. But it's not horrible, and I'm thinking about going to the gym actually tonight!! This will be my first time at the gym since the week before my surgery, which was in JULY! Crazy, I used to be an athlete, and a dedicated one at that. It's pretty intense what this disease can do. I'm a completely different person than I was, both inside and out. I need to get back to that girl who could do anything. The one with confidence, with power, with good self esteem and goals for each day. I need to feel worthy again.

It's so important to remember baby steps, though. When I'm feeling good, I want to take over the world. But I have to take it one step at a time or I'll crash and burn. No crashing and burning allowed!

Lupron Journal:
Have some little cramps going on here and there, but manageable (2) and that deep breathing thing. My diaphragm doesn't hurt as bad as it has recently, so I'm super stoked about that. I stopped bleeding finally and I'm confident that I'll be on the up and up now that that's over. My face is also clearing up now...which might even be better than the decreasing diaphragm pain because I get so freaked out over not so lovely skin. I'm funny like that.

Seinfeld Mondays

Ok, Monday Night Football is pretty stellar. But is there anything better than sitting on the couch with my honey watching old school delicious episodes of everyone's favorite? I mean, Jerry is good times people. I was just feeling rather lucky and wanted to write about it.

We actually didn't get to watch much football tonight because of a little escapade to my hysterical niece's 3rd birthday dinner. At a sushi restaurant nonetheless. What 3 year old loves sushi restaurants? Ok, she loves the "dragon noonles" they put together for her...and who can resist the picture with the cat? For those of you who do sushi, you know what I'm talking about. That Polaroid is priceless- especially when it's of a brand new "3 year old" with her Super Duper Outrageously Cute All Teeth No Smile Cheeeeese Smile. Precious. And then after the birthday festivities it was off to visit my cat and roommate (who apparently felt it necessary to buy us a FAKE Christmas tree this year...the roommate, not the cat) and then back up to Scottsdale with Ben for a little Monday night grocery run. Yeah, he's a good boyfriend. He skips out on massive amounts of football to go meander around TJ's in the search for the perfect meats. We spent a good 13 minutes in the meat section. We buy a whole lotta chicken, every time. Gross. Haha! But don't worry, we got back to his apartment with about 2.5 minutes left in the game. You're welcome baby.

I made it through the whole work day yet again. It's becoming almost regular again for me to go to work all day. It had been such a long time of an hour here, an hour there (on a good day). It's nice to feel normal. I had some pain up in my chest again today, I think it's from being on my period. I'm still bleeding by the way. Not too heavy, but it's there- just to make me crazy I think. Oh body, you're so sneaky.

Ps- Ben and I were channel surfing a little bit ago before landing on the inevitable Seinfeld re-runs and stumbled upon "Intervention". We've watched about a quarter of this show once and it's kinda terrifying to be honest. But the description said "32 year old hairstylist has endometriosis". Ok, on an Intervention show? This is the show where they trick the people with these awful disgusting horrible habits into thinking they're in a documentary and then throw an intervention from their loved ones at them, right? Is endometriosis a habit now? We had to watch. First scene, homegirl's doing meth AND heroine and discussing her two previous overdoses in the last six months. Um...ok? Well, the back story showed up and what do you know. She was a Mormon woman who had a lot of pressure on her to get married and have a big family, lots of kids... She was diagnosed with endometriosis at 30 and after surgery was prescribed Lortab for the pain. Well, she started popping pills and eventually stole a prescription pad from a doctor and wrote scripts for Lortab for herself!!! She ended up being a convicted felon from this little mistake and had to go to drug counseling. So, of course, she started doing meth and heroine instead- to escape the pain from the endo and from not being able to have children. I. Was. Blown. Away. What a wonderful story to hear about. I feel awful for this woman, but c'mon. So many of us are dealing with this in such a better way...I guess it empowered me a little. But it also really opened my eyes to how bad it COULD be. I'm lucky I have self control, I'm lucky I have such wonderful support, and I'm lucky that I'm absolutely terrified of pill popping...and heroine.

Lupron Journal:
Chest pain is still present and a little worse than usual (6) at times during the day. It's kind of up under my sternum right now, and on the right side by my liver...ish. Still bleeding, but lighter. I've been super super hungry lately, I don't know if that's related- but I've heard it can be. I'm definitely gaining mad amounts of weight (but not working out at all right now...so no fault but my own). And by the way friends, I've totally been breaking out and it suuuuucks! I'm like a teenager here. Gross. I'm blaming it on the Lupron because I've NEVER had skin problems. gross gross gross. Oh joy!

Weekend in Cali

I went to a wedding this weekend in NorCal with Ben and my parents. We flew out after work on Friday for the Saturday wedding, and I'm so glad I went. It was great to go back to my old stomping grounds, see some old friends, and watch my friend marry the man of her dreams. It was a beautiful wedding, and a lot of fun.

I, unfortunately, am still figuring out my "issues" as far as the mood swings go, and I got really angry at Ben at the end of the night Saturday. I really didn't have good reason to be so upset, but of course I thought I did. And we had been drinking for a while at that point and I really think that could be the worst idea ever for a Lupron girl. Alcohol already makes me slightly unreasonable at times, add in some chemical menopause and I'm a real dream. ;) This was one of our longest arguments, we were both overly upset and not thinking clearly. But of course we worked it out before we went to sleep, and hopefully learned some important things about ourselves and our relationship- mainly how to deal with the present situation. I still can't believe I'm putting him through this. I'm in love with him, shouldn't I be protecting him? I really am trying my best...

We flew home today after not nearly enough sleep last night. It was a fully-packed weekend that's left me feeling totally over-spent. I'm having some really bad pain up in my diaphragm. I can't tell at this point whether it's from the fact that I'm bleeding again or from doing too much. But it's there with a vengeance right now. Just have to get through it, I've got a busy week this week at work. I have to be there all day every day. Welcome back to real life.

I got some great advice from a fellow blogger to start exercising. I want to really badly, I think I'm gonna start focusing on that a little more. When it hurts, it feels like any exercise would be the last thing I should do- but I've been working that angle for a while now. It's time to try something new. I think I'm gonna get some walking in, and maybe try to hit the gym for a little work on the bike here and there. Supposedly it helps with the mood swings, and I'd do anything at this point!!!

I've also been slacking a lil on my endo diet recently. That's gotta stop. I want to feel good again, I remember what it feels like- and I want it back!!

Lupron Journal-
Bleeding still, although it's startin to slow down which means this is a pretty short period for me. We'll see how long it last in the "light" phase. Bad pain in my diaphragm (6/7) most of the time today, but sometimes it gets a lil better. And I'm having pain down in my right lower abdomen again (4) that's really aggravating. Mood swings are at a serious high and I think I'm starting to lose my mind...on a good day. ;)

Thanks for the support you guys. It's so important for me to write all of this, and the fact that there are people who care enough to read it is really amazing to me. Just throwin that out there. :)

Pray for a good day tomorrow for the start of my long work week. Oy!

Undefined

I feel so very lost right now. It's been an interesting couple of days, wrapped in a significant increase in Lupron "stuff", or at least I hope it's related- otherwise I'm frightened by my capacity for anger, sadness, and pain.

Ben's birthday went really well for the first part, almost the whole part, and then I started having a little trouble, getting some pretty bad cramps, and then worse- and worse. Eventually I was having trouble standing up, but I didn't want to let on to Ben so I tried to stay positive, cooked dinner, laid down to watch tv with him hoping it was what he wanted to do and not just my need for a little time off my feet. I was having really bad stomach pain (6), and then I got exhausted. I still tried to be happy, but later in the night it all started spiraling. I freaked out over a little comment, lost my temper, ended up in a sinking silent treatment, and then burst into tears that lasted for hours. These mood swings are so encompassing, it's like I lose myself completely. Like I can't see, it's all foggy and red- metaphorically of course. I just lose it and get deeper in until I honestly don't know what I'm doing anymore. And then the crying, the realization, and the horrible guilt for putting such a warm and understanding man through this time and time again. It's only been three weeks.

Pretty much the same thing today. Started out a little differently, I woke up with some cramps (3), and just wanted to lie around. Made some gluten-free pancakes for our Thanksgiving breakfast, and then started feeling better. I was in a bad mood though, and little things were setting me off from the get go this morning. But I tried to get around it. All it took after about five hours of trying to get around it was one misconstrued comment and I lost it. We worked around it because it was Thanksgiving and eventually got over it because we love each other. End of story.

But after Thanksgiving dinner with the family, Ben and I got to talk alone. It was a very refreshing, very honest conversation- the type that really reminds me that I'm not in this by myself, and that he loves me for real, good or bad. It helped me realize that a lot of my mood swings are wrapped in my ever increasing insecurities. I've definitely noticed that since the Lupron, I've been on edge with my self-confidence, and I've been in a downward spiral of insecurity about myself, my ability to react, my emotional stability, and my relationships. Anything can set me off in these touchy subjects. And the lack of control I feel when it comes to all of this is disturbing. I realized tonight that as much as I hate it, I do need to lean on Ben. Because he truly understands what I'm going through. I don't know how, but he has such a calming reassurance, and beautiful empathy. I think it's his love. But it may just be his soul. Either way, I'm blessed to have him. So many people outside of the endo realm have told me that they know what I'm going through or have offered suggestions, tips, stories from others they know who've gone through menopause. It's not the same. I have no estrogen. I'm 25. It's chemical. It's disgusting really. I can't explain it, it all started so quickly and just kicked my ass. I'll have two good days that make me believe, and then two days that send me into a darker place than I've been in a long time. But those good days make enormous headway for me mentally. I live for those good days. I wish I could just swim in them, breathe them in, freeze frame it and sleep next to it. I'd roll around in those good days. But at least I know they're there. And they're delicious.

In any case, here I am. I started my period today and it was awful. I've been in pretty gnarly pain for the last 11 hours or so (6). And I'm drowning in these mood swings right now. Wondering if I'll ever be solid again. If I'll ever be strong or stable. If I'll know what it feels like to function properly. If I'll ever be a mother.

But tomorrow could very well be a good day. I'll sleep on it.

Happy Birthday Ben!

It's been a little while since I've blogged, busy birthday weekend for my absolutely amazing boyfriend. The man deserves a little TLC after all I've put him through. And it's only just begun... ;) Haha! No no, I think I'm on the up and up. I think.

This weekend was great, I got to do some of that jumping up and down stuff I was talking about on Friday. Ben and I went to the Cardinals vs. Giants football game on Sunday and had an absolute blast. I decided to go off of my gluten-free existence for the day to celebrate with Ben, and that was a huge huge mistake. At this point, I think the gluten-free, soy-free, lactose-free diet is really contributing to my decreased pain. Because I was in miserable shape Sunday night. I felt dizzy, sick to my stomach, ridiculously tired, and very much irritated at the fact that I brought that wonderfulness on myself. They say Lupron increases your appetite. I'm gonna go ahead and agree with "them". I ate a hot dog, nachos, chicken strips, french fries, licorice, and two beers, in the span of four hours. MY WORD! Yes, point and scowl in disgust. I deserve it.

After a short nap and one enormous hot flash, we met up with my family and had Ben's birthday dinner at a really tasty, very expensive restaurant by my parent's house. Yeah, I ate all of that before the big birthday dinner. Can I please blame it on the Lupron? Otherwise that's just disgusting. I started feeling a little better and was able to enjoy dinner, so that's good.

Today was Ben's actual birthday and we've had a blast so far. But it's time for me to go cook some gluten-free spaghetti. :) Happy Birthday Baby! I love you.

Lupron Journal:
I woke up with some of the old cramp-like feelings but they went away pretty quickly. I made it through a whole day at work again, and my ribs started hurting around 3:00 (4). I also started what seems like the beginning of a period. Will see what that turns into?? TMI, I know. :)

Believe It

I made it through a FULL day of work today!!! Ok, so it was slightly shifted to a 10:30am-7:00pm schedule, but I did it! Granted, over an hour of it was a potluck...but I still did it! :)

I'm feeling pretty well so far. I just can't believe what a difference it makes, not having that constant pain is unbelievably relieving. I mean, I knew how frustrated I was, and how bummed out I'd become from the pain and its affect on my life, but I don't think I fully comprehended just how bad it was until it started to actually show some real signs of improvement yesterday. It's an answered prayer right now, and I couldn't be happier.

Yesterday I went to work about an hour and a half late, and stayed until about an hour or so before my normal shift ended. I didn't leave early because I was in a lot of pain. I just didn't want to push it quite yet. I was feeling pretty good, just a little bit of the chest pain and lower abdominal pain that I had gotten so used to. And then later, I wanted to go shopping for Ben's birthday next week. I seriously can't believe I was able to go shopping after being at work for that long! I'm blown away right now. Especially because after shopping and walking around looking for the perfect gift for a while...I was still ok!

I had some trouble sleeping last night, and then was absolutely exhausted this morning. I had some pain when I first woke up (4), but it went away after a little while. And then it came back as I was driving into work, going over speed bumps and then walking in from the furthest parking spot (the worst part about going into work late definitely). But after I sat at my desk for a little while and rested, it started to just go away. And then it NEVER came back. I'm sitting at the computer in the kitchen at 10:23pm, and I haven't had bad pain for about 12 hours. I'm absolutely amazed. I just want to freeze frame this, in case it comes back, to remember how wonderful it feels. I feel like I might get my life back. And it feels so good.

It's Friday, and I'm really excited about my weekend. I want to go run! I want to jump up and down, play Frisbee, play basketball, lift weights, walk around the mall, chase my niece around...I can't wait to live again!

For now, I'm going to take it one day at a time, and take it slowly. I'm gonna hope that this really is a turn-around, because that hope is the only thing that's gonna get me through another bad day. And I'm going to be so grateful for every wonderful pain free moment.

For all of us, just remember that life is still out there. Even in those really dark moments where it seems like it couldn't be further away. It's there, and we'll get it back someday. Believe it!

Good Night, Bad Night

Another day of ups and downs. It's been quite a rollercoaster so far, but like the faith I still have in the stock market, I think it will have an upward trend! :)

I went to work for almost an entire day today! The longest I've been at work in a very long time. I was really proud of myself. Yesterday I went to work for half a day because I had doctors appointments in the morning, and I felt ok last night. I had a completely massive breakdown late at night with Ben again...but at least I pretty quickly recognized that it was totally Lupron related. I was a crazy person, completely lacking control of my emotions. I can't even remember what set me off, but I went nuts. I just got mad. And then sad. And then I totally shut off for about ten minutes. Finally, out of nowhere, I started crying and profusely apologizing. I knew what was going on, and I feel lucky every day that my wonderful boyfriend doesn't up and leave me at any moment. He just sat with me, he rubbed my arm, he promised that he wouldn't leave, and he told me that I am perfect no matter what. He held me, and he helped me.

This morning I was set on making it to work early. I woke up totally exhausted like I hadn't slept at all. I know I had trouble falling asleep, and was sleeping really lightly all night. When I pulled myself out of bed and went to the bathroom, I got some awful cramps that put me right back in bed for a bit. I was so frustrated. After a little while of laying down it got better, so I finished getting ready and went into work around 10ish. I made it through almost the entire day in my horribly uncomfortable skirt suit and heels...and my pantyhose was way too tight and digging into my stomach. With about an hour left in the day though, I could hardly get up from my desk. Really awful stomach cramps, and the old school back pain I used to get before my first surgery (6). I was struggling for sure. I made it all the way past 5:00 and left, smiling through the shoulder pain and chest pain that was increasing as I walked out of the building talking to one of my managers.

I was so relieved to get back to Ben's place and be able to unwind. When I stepped into his apartment, the first thing I saw was a dozen orange roses and a card sitting in the living room! He had written me a beautiful card reminding me that he loves me no matter what. It was perfect, I couldn't have asked for a better way to unwind.

I wish I could say the pain went away right then, and we had a perfect evening after that. Unfortunately, it hurt pretty bad all the way up until about 10pm tonight. And Ben and I got into another argument about Christmas trees and Christmas spirit about two hours after work. Riiiiiiiidiculous. But we talked it out like we always do, and remembered the whole time that we will get through this, and it's just a temporary evil. And he made me laugh. And he held me, and he helped me.

Just a side note: Right around the time I started feeling a little better, I thought it was important that we get some dessert. A girl needs a little dessert every now and then! So we went to Coldstone for some sorbet, and walked into a Cold Stone that was closed for reconstruction. If we hadn't asked one of the workers if they had already closed for the night, I don't think we would have noticed that there were saws, paint cans, empty ice cream containers, and construction tools all around us. We would have just stood by the unplugged cash register until someone kicked us out. SO we went across the street to the grocery store to pick up some sorbet. About thirty minutes and $100 later, we walked out. We realized a few things we both needed to pick up, and then Ben decided we should get our first Christmas decoration because we had talked about how excited I am about Christmas, and how weird that is :) And then, as we were standing in the obscene line for the one and only cash register...I saw it. We were standing right beside the display for the newly released Wall-e movie. I heart that movie. My eyes lit up, as Ben pointed out. He had apparently already decided he was going to get that for me as a stocking stuffer...but once he saw the look on my face, he picked one up. He said it's an early Christmas present. I'm a lucky, lucky girl.

A novel...

I haven't written in a while! I had a good weekend, with a few mood swings, that's for sure. It's got to be from stopping the birth control...or can you get mood swings from the Lupron this early?

Ok, so to clarify- my last post when I just re-read it sounded like I was saying the doctor in fact saw tissue on my CT scan that pointed to endo. But I was saying that that is what the doctor said they could possibly use the CT scan for- to see small spots of excess tissue that would point to endometriosis. He hadn't read it yet. And he just read it yesterday and said he couldn't see anything in my lungs. So I'm very happy about that!!! We're supposing at this point that it's diaphragm or upper abdomen endo that's putting pressure on my lungs, and causing the pain and awkward breathing. My pulmonologist was very unhelpful though, and told me to stop taking deep breaths. Very strange, I mean...why? I don't take deep breaths because I want to, I take them because it feels like I'm not getting enough air. And so he told me that it's just a feeling, and to ignore it. Um, ok? Well, he's right in the fact that I'm definitely getting enough air. I apparently have super human lungs, that function at 128%, or in the 128th percentile. I didn't even know that was possible. He said it's from the years of training for swimming, and the fact that I'm 6'1". :) So that's good I guess!

I'm really getting excited for the Lupron to work. I haven't experienced horrible side effects so far, and it makes me feel like I'm going to be ok on it. I sure hope so! But it also makes me so sad, and kind of angry that this stupid drug can be so harsh on some people, and cause such horrible side effects. I know I have a long way to go, and the worst may be yet to come...I just wish they would find a cure! I wish Lupron could be an answer for everyone.

Lupron Journal:
Definite mood swings over the last couple of days. My poor, poor boyfriend. I'm a lucky girl. I also have had some pretty bad lower abdominal pain in the mornings and late at night (5) that resemble cramps. And I've had trouble sleeping for sure. I just can't fall asleep, but once I'm out, I'm out! So I'm happy for that, and hope it lasts.

I went to P.F. Chang's tonight and got to have some more of their delicious gluten-free menu! The Singapore Street noodles are so tasty! If you have a PF Changs near you, check it out. And I don't know if it's a chain, but Picazzo's Pizza has a gluten-free menu, and I decided to throw out the dairy free for a night so I could have some pizza. It was perfection! And the chicken wings were to die for. Mmmm! I'm also making more stir-fry's and I'm going to try some more recipes here soon.

I saw my old endocrinologist for a second opinion and he said the nodules on my thyroid are good to go. They haven't really changed in the last year. And when I told him about my problems in my abdomen/chest he was very confident it was all endometriosis related. He feels like the Lupron is a great choice, but wants to make sure I'm keeping an eye on my bone density. He said that I need to be taking 1,000mg of Calcium every day, but more importantly, I need to double up and take 2,000mg of Vitamin D daily. I wasn't really aware of that, so I'm glad I saw him. He's a really nice doctor, but not all that helpful usually. I asked him about my hashimoto's and he just shrugged it off again. That's why I'm seeing a new endocrinologist. My new one is checking out my adrenals, and looking into treating my hashimotos finally.

I went to work half days both yesterday and today, and I'm feeling a little more solid now-a-days. I still have worse pain than usual in my abdomen and up under my rib cage, but I just have an overall sense of "better". Before, I was always worried that if I did too much I'd be laid out for days. Now I feel like I could live a little, and I'll be ok. Let's hope that's right!

Friday Ramblings

I got a CT scan today of my chest to see if they can find any signs of endometriosis in there. I think it's interesting that they're going to be looking for tissue build up on the CT scan to diagnose endo. I mean, doing surgery in your lungs to diagnose is obviously a little more risky than a laparoscopy of your abdomen...but I still don't see why they can use a CT of the chest and not a CT of the abdomen. ??? Well, the pulmonologist stated that they could see small excess tissue that would point to endometriosis...so I guess I'll believe him. I have the CT films in my car...I wish I could read that stuff myself. I see the pulmonologist on Monday for my pulmonary function test and then a follow up on the results to both. I'm having a much easier time breathing now a days, so I don't know what's going to turn up. But that pain in my diaphragm is still very present.

Lupron Journal:
Other than my little freak out last night, I think I'm doing alright on the Lupon so far. Slight increase in pain in both my abdomen and diaphragm, but like I said- easier time breathing. Today I didn't have much of the pain from my bladder, but had just diffuse pain all over my lower abdomen all day (4). And then once I went and did the CT scan and had to take several deep breaths, the chest pain and tightness got worse. Chicken or Lupron, people? I have no idea.

I'm excited for a little weekend time with Ben. No work, all play! I'm going to try to meet up with my coworkers for lunch tomorrow too! I had an absolute amazing meeting with my supervisor's supervisor yesterday that left me feeling so blessed to be at my company. Almost everyone is incredibly supportive and very optomistic about my future at the company. I got great feedback! I'm thinking more and more about taking the management track and becoming a people leader. I love working with people, and I'm a talker...so I think that will fit me. I'm still keeping my options open, but this supervisor seemed to think I had a fast track ahead of me, and that I was going places. Now it's just up to my health to let me get there! Stop holding me back, body. I've been there for you for 25 years, help a sister out. ;)

Ok, sidenote. I've had a lot of time on my hands to do some reading. I went to the bookstore the other day and picked up "The Last Lecture". If you haven't already, get it. Read it. Live it. But make sure to read slowly over some of the short pieces in the back, let them sink in. I was blown away by the simple truth splashed amongst the few pages in this little book. I still have about 15 pages left, but I can't wait to open it up again every time I have to close it. I'm pretty sure I'm going to feel lonely once I've finished drinking in the wisdom of this book. I'll read it over and over I'm sure.

Dynamic Blog Duo!

So Ben is helping me blog tonight, because there's something I think he needs to get off his chest. Let me explain. Say we go back about three hours. I had just gotten to Ben's place after a courageous three hour day at work. Ben, after spending eight grueling hours at the office, got home before I showed up. He was on the computer. I sat on the couch. He remained on the computer. I watched some tv. Ben...sat at the computer. I got sad. Ben stayed on the computer.

Now, this was all in my head. Ben was sitting at the computer working on something after getting up to greet me, yelling from the kitchen several times that he missed me, and that he loves me, and then finally finishing quickly so he could come sit with me on the couch. We proceeded to chat about our days. Happy time.

In my head, we were chatting, and then Ben dropped the absolute worst bombshell known to mankind. He was taking a day off of work when I had to be in the office...for the entire day. He was going to be at his house, and I was...for the first time in weeks...not going to be there. I was devastated.

In Ben's head, we were chatting about our days. Happy times.

So I sank into a deep trecherous hole of a depression. And then I felt the right side of my body go numb because he was squishing me on the couch, cuddling me. So...I proceeded to tell him that he was making me very mad, and of course, that I wanted to kill him.

Ben was no longer having happy time.

Flash forward about twelve and a half seconds and we were laughing about the whole thing. I was obviously totally joking. On the other hand, as Ben so aptly reminded me a few seconds ago...maybe I should think twice before threatening his life. Point taken.

So when I sat down to write a blog about three hours after this fateful event, I asked Ben what I should blog about. "Lupron!" Quite the proclamation. "What about it? Have you noticed any side effects Baby?" hahaha! I absolutely adore his response: "Well, you threatened my life for the first time ever, that might be a side effect". Sad sad sad.

But at least we can laugh about it. ...and that's why I have the best boyfriend in the entire world.

Ups and Downs

So I've decided that I found a pattern. My abdomen hurts more in the morning and gets better usually over the course of the day. And my lungs/diaphragm hurts less in the morning and gets worse over the course of the day. I think the diaphragm pain gets worse because I do things, causing me to breathe more and use the muscle more, causing irritation in whatever it is that's in there...probably endometriosis. I say probably because there's no definitive diagnosis without surgery. They just think that's what it is...but who knows. I'm hoping it is so the Lupron will fix it! :)

I think my abdomen hurts more in the morning from my bladder. I've noticed that my entire pelvic area hurts as I empty my bladder in the morning (too much again? yes, I know). I think going from a full bladder to an empty one is doing something to my abdomen, possibly pulling on adhesions or scar tissue or something? It's pretty excruciating right away, I usually have to curl up in a ball for a little bit right after I go to the bathroom when I wake up...but that gets better, and then doesn't hurt too bad any other time I go to the bathroom, usually. Strange strange. And I can tell it's getting a little worse right now, I'm assuming from the Lupron. Assumptions all over the place today. Just trying to piece it together at this point. I have no idea what to say to the question "how are you feeling?" lately. At least not to the people who actually want to know how I'm really feeling. Normally it's just "Good! Doing better!" But for those who I know are interested, I'm confused as to what to say. I've very hopeful the Lupron will work, I know that much!

Lupron Journal:
Having some trouble falling asleep lately! And then I'm totally exhausted in the mornings. I'm feeling more light headed today and yesterday, and the chest and abdomen pain are a little more intense at times (5/6).

I'm so lucky I have the absolute best boyfriend in the history of mankind to take my mind off everything, and give me a reason to giggle. He really is my reason to avoid grumpiness every day. I just adore him. PLUS, he's wicked helpful with my new diet. The boy's a health nut, I've decided. Now I just have to get him to kick dairy, and we're in it together. ;) Aw, just kidding.

Quick

Lupron Journal:

The sharp pains were actually a little better over the course of the day today and yesterday. The mornings both started off badly, but then over the day, it got better. However, I was sick to my stomache all day today...really not fun stomach problems. It started going away around dinner time, after I slept for about 2 hours. I don't know what the sick stomach is about right now, but I'm definitely thinking more and more about seeing a GI doc.

I'm gonna go to work tomorrow, maybe a little while after I wake up so the pain will have a chance to subside. Let's just hope I'm not having to run to the bathroom every few minutes while I'm there. :(

Back to Normal...ish

So Ben's back now, and I feel like my life isn't on hold anymore :) I like that. I really hate it when he leaves, that's definitely a good thing. And he hates it too...that's even better! hehe!

I've been feeling, well, off lately. Yesterday I had a massive breakdown at work, but it was due to a talk I had with my "mentor", a supervisor in my department. She thought I needed to talk to my direct supervisor about the possibilities of being held back from my accelerated program at work due to my lack of being there. Everyone else has been super understanding, and she was too, she just thought that maybe I should find out what my options would be. But she made the idea of being pulled out of the program to wait for next year seem very real, and that freaked me out. So I had a massive breakdown in a conference room. Then I sucked it up and went to talk to my supervisor. She was completely awesome and told me that I've been a high performer, and that's what's shining through now. She said she wants to play it all by ear, take it one step at a time. She said the last option would be to pull me out of the program, only if I thought I wasn't getting enough out of it or if I felt I wasn't performing well. So I feel better about it, and I'm still positive that the Lupron is going to help!

I also called my surgeon and spoke to one of his fellows about the rectal bleeding, and she was completely unconcerned about it. She said if it continues, I should see a GI, but that she doesn't think it's related to the endo because the surgeon checked and nothing was there. So I'm a little confused, but I'll probably see a GI soon.

I've been getting sick after pretty much every meal. Love that. But I'm getting used to it now, so that's good! :)

Lupron Journal:
I don't think the Lupron is doing much to me so far. I haven't taken the add-back therapy yet because I just got the perscription for it, but I've stayed on my BC so far. I stopped spotting yesterday, and started again today. So I don't know what to do about that. I have been noticing a little more feeling of light headedness lately (2/3) but have no idea if that's related to the Lupron or what was going on before with possibly my ardrenals. We'll see! And the pain in my lower right abdomen and under my rib cage is definitely still there, maybe getting a little worse right now (3/5 depending on the moment).

Day 1, or day 2,191

Today I got my first Lupron injection. It feels like the beginning of something. I keep telling myself it's the beginning of the end of this disease and this pain, and then I don't even believe my own self. But I do have a sense of peace that this was the right decision. I have a sense of serious concern, worry, and oddly- peace. I think the side effects will be apparent, but I think the outcome will be worth it, even though it's definitely not a cure. I feel like I'm molding something here that will be more than I had thought I could become with this post-athlete body of mine. Whether it's something healthy or phenomenal, I don't know. But it still feels like it will be "more". And I'm not one to shy away from that sort of feeling.

I've been trying to figure out how I would organize this blog. It's really just odd ramblings about the peripheral of the damage being done to my body, foreignly. I love odd ramblings. But I also know that before I started this blog, I searched and searched for answers for myself. I looked all over the Internet, I sought doctors, tests, specialists...and what really helped me feel most centered was reading blogs written by other people going through journeys similar to mine. It made me feel in control, ready for the next step, and willing to do what it took to make sure my journey would be successful. I want that for other women who are struggling. I want to make this blog a power center for women who don't know where to turn or how to maneuver this disease, or other struggles they're having with their bodies. So, while odd ramblings are still my numero uno, I think some organization is key.

So, now with the Lupron started- the main reason I started this blog (the lack of understanding of the side effects associated with Lupron baffles me, and pushed me to put my own experience out into the world for others to learn from), I'm going to do a section each post dedicated to side effects, symptoms, and thoughts on what the Lupron may or may not be doing to me. As with any drug, the cause and effect of so called "side effects" is very difficult to differentiate: Is it the drug causing my nausea? Was it the salmon? Was it there before I started the drug? But I will list out what's going on with me each time I write, and hope that it might help someone who will possibly go through the same. Or it will help someone decide A) there's no chance in hell I'm doing that to my body, no matter what some study shows it might do to help the endo, or B) bring it on, if that wussy girl could handle it, I'm in. Double the dose, doc! In which case I respond, bring it lady.

It won't be at the beginning, middle, or end in particular. As soon as it comes to me to write it, I'll start the section. Maybe I'll entitle it: Loopy...or maybe just Lupron Journal. I would love to say I'll rate my pain, but those pain ratings are so strange to me. I mean, my 3 is someone's 8, and my 9 could be someone's 5. I just don't get it. What if I did a legend to the pain ratings. Hmm, what's happened to me that's happened to other people- Sleeping: 0, Watching my favorite tv show:0, Eating warm cookies:0...This is fun! I'm getting off track already. Ok, Paper Cut: 1. Hang Nail: 2, Dead Arm: 3, Hard Kick in the Shin: 4, Initial Jammed Toe Pain: 5, Locked Jaw: 6, Bad Air Pain from Laproscopic Surgery: 7, Massive Ovarian Cyst Rupturing without Painkillers: 8/9, (ouch), and some form of serious head trauma that hasn't happened to me: 10. I'm reserving that number for something outrageous. If I say I'm at a 10 one day, call someone. I'm not sure who, just do it, and ask them what to do...and then call someone else and make whatever that was they told you to do happen immediately.
Ok, keep up kids.

Lupron Journal: (can get kind of "Too Much Info" here and there...beware)
The injection was a cinch, almost as lovely as watching my favorite tv show, with an added bit of paper cut (0.5 wink wink). Clever. I really didn't even feel it, so for those of you afraid of needles, have no fear. The sight of the injection started feeling a little bruised around 5 hours after the injection (2). About 5 minutes after the injection I got some sort of rush of adrenaline and felt kinda dizzy, kinda shakey. No biggie though, went away in a couple of minutes. After lunch I got that stomach pain I get after I eat something bad, or the first couple of days of my period, kind of the "I need to get to a restroom asap" feeling (3/4). Went away pretty quickly. After dinner it was worse. Actually had to get to a bathroom. Also, the last couple of days I've been showing some pre-period signs. Today I actually spotted a bit a few hours after the injection. No idea which came first there, the chicken or the Lupron. But there it is nonetheless. I've also had some on and off rectal bleeding for some time now, and never figured out what it was. Came back in full force this afternoon for no reason, just started out of no where. Bizarre. Especially with the new spotting I'm not supposed to be having right now, and the stomach pains. Sounds endo related?

There you have it...take it or leave it. I'm sure eventually I'll be far less detailed. Or will I?
*no*shame*

I'm calling the doc on the bleeding tomorrow, from all orifices. Probably should get the latter-mentioned checked out. I'm also getting blood tests done tomorrow morning for my adrenal symptoms. But mainly, BEN COMES HOME tomorrow (well, today now...it's late)! So excited!

New Endocrinologist and Lupron Nerves

My appointment today with the new Endocrinologist was pretty good. He was interesting, very quiet, and had some good ideas. I got an ultrasound and the nodules on my thyroid are just about the same size as last year, so no worries there. But upon explaining all of the abdomenal pain and discomfort recently, as well as the fatigue, he started asking some other questions that really opened my eyes. He asked about any dizziness upon standing- yeah, crazy amounts lately. He asked about my skin- way dry lately. He asked a few more questions that reminded me of some strange symptoms I've been having and then told me that adrenal gland problems are connected to abdominal issues. He wants me to do some testing for my adrenals, and a bone density scan. I had high cortisol levels a couple of years ago, but we overlooked it. We'll see what these tests have to say.

Well, I'm pretty nervous about the first Lupron injection tomorrow morning. I really wish Ben was here right now. He's across the country, thousands of miles away. I haven't seen him in three days, the longest we've gone without seeing eachother since I had my laparoscopy in California about 4 months ago. He comes back late Friday night, and I can't wait to have him back here. He takes such good care of me, and I always feel better when he's around. I don't know how he does it, but Ben can make me smile no matter what's going on. I'm the luckiest girl in the world. I promise!

My diet's going pretty well. I found some delicious new snacks. First, there's the "Enjoy Life" brand soft baked chewy chocolate chip cookies. Really tasty and allergy aware. I found some Amy's frozen meals that were pretty good- mexican casserole and asian stir fry. All gluten-free. I'm loving hummus right now, and I found some Nut-Thins crackers that are tasty and gluten-free to dip. I've been eating berries like it's my job as well, yummy!

I'll keep posting on how the Lupron goes. Wish me luck, I really hope my body handles it well. I need a break! :)

So I'm premenopausal...

I finally got the call on the Lupron, and I'm scheduled for the first injection on Thursday morning. Will I feel anything right away? From what I've heard the first couple of days are same old, same old. And then it starts a few days later. And I've heard the first couple of weeks are pretty bad because of the surge of estrogen. What are those first bad symptoms you all have experienced?

Ok, some explanation about my reasons for going with the Lupron despite my serious concerns. First, I've been dealing with the pain from endometriosis for about 11 years. The real, life-altering pain for about six years. Not once in this time have I dealt with the kind of pain I'm experiencing now. And mostly, I've never had my life THIS altered by the disease. I'm not working. I'm afraid to exert myself. I was an elite athlete for 18 years. I had a heart disease and severe asthma, and I was still ok. Now I have this awful pain in my abdomen, under my ribs, and I can't get enough air. I'm tired, I'm sad, and I just can't deal with it anymore.

Plus, I got a bunch of blood tests done and almost everything came back normal. My hashimoto's disease is getting worse and it's affecting my thyroid hormones more, but we already knew about that. Nothing else came back positive. So I can't think of anything else that would be going on. And then yesterday's pulmonary appointment was interesting. I didn't mention the idea that the endo was on my diaphragm to the doctor. I wanted to know what he would think of on his own without that diagnosis. I told him I had stage IV endo and had surgery four months ago, and that they found endo all over my lower abdomen, but my upper abdomen was fine. After discussing everything, the doctor said "well, you know, endometriosis can get involved in the lungs". He thinks there might be a chance that I have thoracic endometriosis. Or pleural endo. I'm not sure how I feel about that. It can be really bad apparently, but it usually causes coughing up blood, and I haven't had that. I've only had the lung pain for about three months and I've only had two real periods in that time. So I'm not sure. But I think the Lupron wouldn't be a bad idea- because apparently if left untreated, thoracic endo can cause lung collapse, and be really bad.

So that's where I'm at. I have an appointment about the hashimoto's with a new endocrinologist tomorrow. Gonna ultrasound to make sure the masses aren't getting bigger. And then I start the lupron on Thursday. Wish me luck. And I'll keep updating!

Blogtastic

I was so touched by a blog post I found today that was written about a week ago. I think I wasn't supposed to find it until today. I went to work for a couple of hours this morning for an important meeting, and spent almost the entire time trying to hide the fact that I wanted to crawl under the table and die. I think it was showing outwardly however, because I looked across the long board room table at one of my dear friends and colleagues and saw her looking at me with a slightly concerned face. I was sweating, clammy, shaking a bit, and having a really really hard time feeling like the air I was getting into my lungs would be enough to suffice. I had to yawn every thirty-five seconds to get more air...at a board meeting with a VIP of the company. There are only so many "eye yawns" a girl can do! There was stabbing pain in my right rib cage, it almost feels like my liver is going to get up and "peace out". Throw up the ol' peace sign and take off. I don't know if it's my liver or anything, don't get me wrong. But it's right there, somewhere around there. And it makes me want to cry.

So I went back to my desk and saw my supervisor who was very pleased that I made it in. See, she had taken some of those terms I discussed back to her house after work a few days ago and looked them up. She read up on Lupron, endo, PCOS, hashimoto's. And she said that she thought of me all night, and that she hugged her three year old daughter long and hard that night. She felt badly for taking her own ability to have her precious girl for granted. She told me to go home, get well, don't come back until I'm better, and that she was impressed by me. I couldn't hold the tears back all the way, although I fought off the good ol' burst of emotions. Just a single tear drop, and then a thank you. I got in my car and took a deep unsatisfying breath. I'm alone, but in wonderful company.

I started looking around at some of my blogs a few minutes ago and wound up back on Stuff Christians Like (a wonderfully comical blog, check it out!). For the first time since I started reading this blog a while back I went to one of the links on his side bar, another blog he writes called 97 Seconds With God. I don't know why I never checked it out before, but I was led to right then. His post blew me away. Something I needed to hear so badly! This is the verse he based his post on from Matthew 11:28-30:

28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

He went on to push home a fundamental truth that I forget so much in my depth of guilt or insecurity. God wants me as I am. I don'tt need to find completion, erase all doubt, banish my imperfections, or accept every beautiful blessing He's offering before I come and bask in His gift. He just wants me to come, and just bask in it. He wants to be with me on my journey, not meet me after I've finished myself. He wants to hold my hand, carry me. And He breaks me so that I'll know I can't do it without Him. And oh man, I sure can't.

It's a beautiful post, go check it out. See what it does for you, if you feel like it might be something you're interested in. If not, maybe you'll find it exactly when you need it.

So, I'm not at work, but I'm not giving up on it. I'm just buckling down for the journey, and resting in the thought of being carried through it, instead of tiring my legs again. And I'm gonna go to those doctor's appointments with an open mind, a healthy appetite for wisdom, and a faith that I won't have to decide on my own, or make it alone.

Now, pardon the Too Much Info, it's time to go poo in a cup. Love that Western Medicine!!

Wheat/Gluten-Free Halloween Costumes?

So I followed up my successful grocery shopping trip with a semi-successful costume shopping trip tonight. I had to make it quick because I wasn't feeling well at ALL. But I got a halo and a white boa... boring I know. But Ben and I are just gonna hang out with a few friends for a little bit, and no one is dressing up very much so it'll be cute. Ben bought horns. Haha, nice.

I got fed up yesterday afternoon when the shoulder pain kept getting worse and worse and I called my primary care doc. They fit me in for an appointment today and I saw the physician's assistant. She said my lungs sound good, but wants me to see a pulmonary specialist- that appt. is on Monday. She also sent me for a myriad of blood work and other fun tests...and I'll get those results in two weeks. Great. She gave me an inhaler and some singulair for the meantime because of the tightness to see if it will get any better. We'll see! I also set up an appointment with the endocrinologist who biopsied my thyroid mass last year. He's gonna do an ultrasound to see what's going on with the mass and then I'm going to force him to consider treating my hashimoto's. At least consider it. That's in three weeks. And I haven't heard anything about the Lupron yet. Razzle Dazzle.

So the big story for the day is that I wasn't 100% convinced about the endo diet until today. I knew we were gonna test for celiac disease today and you're not supposed to be gluten free before the test. So last night Ben and I went to Olive Garden and I swallowed (practically whole) a huge plate of angel hair pasta with meat sauce and four of the most scrumptious breadsticks ever. Then this morning I had a bunch of pita chips because, well, they're delicious. And then I got the blood work. So after the blood work I was feeling sorry for myself and so, being the genius that I am, I stopped and got some junk food. I bought Jalapeno potato chips and yummy peanut butter cups. Well about an hour after the blood test I started getting some stomach cramps. And then...the full on brutal awful disgusting stomach/abdomen pain that I have gotten so accustomed to. I mean BAD again. Gnarley. I'm officially going all organic, totally unprocessed, wheat/gluten/sugar/dairy/soy free from now on. I mean, my goodness. Tummy, please forgive me. I've learned my lesson! If you're having stomach or abdomen pain, try it. See what happens. It's unreal the difference it made free from processed food. Crazy!

Grocery Shopping

So I made it to work yesterday! Yes, it wasn't until 1:30 in the afternoon, but it was still good to get out and feel normal for a bit. I'm gonna do the same today, go in after lunch and get a little work in. Should be good...and my co-workers still remember me. :)

I don't know why, I can't understand it, but the pain in my chest and shoulder is getting worse again. I'm on continuous birth control, so it shouldn't be doing the cycle thing like it was when I was off the pill. It hurts all the time, but for the last three months it gets much worse during my period. Well, now it hurts worse and I'm not on my period. I mean, I guess I technically should be if we're counting, but I'm doing continuous BC. Weird. Maybe it's because I've been trying to do a little more activity. I was hoping that's not it, because I really really want to move around more. But this is making it difficult. I miss exercise dag nabbit!!!! Ben gave me a shoulder rub last night that made it go away at that moment. But as soon as he stopped digging into my shoulder it came back. And my chest feels tight. I'm trying not to get psycho about it, but I'm wondering if it's something else. I got a chest x-ray and a CT scan of my chest and all was normal. So doc says that it has to be endo. Argh! But why would it make my chest feel tight, like I can't get enough air?

Alright, onto more uplifting news. I went grocery shopping last night! And I found a new snack for the endo diet who craves some sweet deliciousness- Pamela's Dark Chocolate Chocolate Chunk Cookies. I mean it just rolls off the tongue! ;) They're not rock hard like most wheat-free, gluten-free, dairy-free treats. They do contain a bit of Soy though, so if it's a no-go for you on the soy track, watch out. But it's not much, so I went for it. I mean, moderation, right? I also loaded up on organic fruit at the g-store and bought some organic chicken and turkey meat. I'm still loving hummus dip from TJ's, and for my lazy moments- Trader Joe's Mushroom Rice Noodle Soup Bowl is totally a craving fixer. I crave salt like mad for some reason, and this helps. I tried the Fig Newman's (wheat free, dairy free fig newtons) and while they're comical, not my fave.

Alright, gonna go get ready for work. I talked to one of my supervisors last night at work about everything that's been going on with me and she was really understanding. She even had me write some of the words down like Lupron, Diaphragmatic Endometriosis, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, and Hashimoto's disease so she could look them up and do some research for herself. I love that. More people should learn about endo and these other diseases that are so common for women, but go unspoken in so many cases. I was embarrassed about it all when I was first dealing with it. I wouldn't really talk much about it, let alone mention the word infertility to any of my friends. But now I think it's so important and therapeutic to talk about it and educate others. I feel for all of those women and girls who don't know where to turn. I hope they find some answers, and figure out that they're not alone!

Nearly Monday Already???

That dreaded question: will I be able to make it into work? I'm feeling ok today, had a couple of bouts of bad pain there for a bit after lunch but that's it. I had a burrito bowl, no tortilla, just chicken, black beans, rice, salsa, and lettuce. I thought that was pretty good! I don't know why I would have felt sick afterward. Sick and sharp pain. Weird. Well anyway, I think I'll be ok to go to work for at least a while tomorrow.

Now for the good stuff. Last night was Awesome! We went to Christopher's and had a delicious six course meal that I honestly didn't want to end. Started with a seafood platter and foie gras in some form that I couldn't write out if I was forced. Loved all of that. Then onto the first actual course of french onion soup that rivaled the onion soup I had in...France! Still not quite that wonderful, I mean, I took a picture of the onion soup I had in France. I wanted a keepsake. Yeah, that good. But this onion soup was the best I've had in the states by far. Onto the second course of a bib lettuce salad with a light viniagarette, topped with sweet oranges and green apples. Then we had the best course of the meal- seared scallops that I just wanted to curl up with. Seriously, I'd roll around in them if Christopher wouldn't mind. Succulent. Then we had truffle infused filet mignon encrusted with ground pink peppercorn. Not as good as the scallops but really delicious still. Then a course of artisan cheeses, some sort of humble fog something or other and a brie that was really soft and velvety. I felt guilty about eating this course the most...but moving on- our final course was a chocolate tower filled with the most unbelievable chocolate mousse I've ever had. So airy but also rich and dense. I can't even describe it correctly. Just go, eat it, you'll see. :) And in a side note that is only a side note because of my undending guilt- we had wine pairings with each course. If you only knew. I could cry about it right now, but I'm commanding my hormones; locking it up. Delicious!

Ok, back to the actual reason for this blog. That was a scrumptious little break though, wasn't it? :) So, I'm going back and forth again about the Lupron. Thanks to Jeanne's blog, (which is on my blog list- check it out, she's very informative and has been through the gamut) I got to hear a blogtalkradio session about endometriosis and some really interesting facts and ideas. Lupron definitely wasn't talked about nicely, but a lot of the main feedback was that it would be much better to do continuous birth control pills...which I've tried and haven't responded to very well. I don't know, still rolling it around.

Hopefully I won't have much time to roll it around and will get a call soon. For now, it's day by day- get to work when I can- try to live normally! :)

Glorious Weekend

Mainly glorious because I don't have to feel guilty about not being at work, and I get to hang out with my amazing BF all day long :) I mean, he should really stop going to work too. Sympathy sick days? haha!

I'm feeling alright today, I only went to work for a couple of hours yesterday for a meeting, and started feeling pretty sluggish near the end of it. I've been getting super light headed at times lately, I think maybe from a lack of exercise or movement? But I also started getting super sweaty during the meeting, like I was gonna pass out or something. So I just left afterward and laid down for the rest of the afternoon and evening. Today's been better so far, still feel fragile in my abdomen- like I can't stretch or move around a lot, or I can't push on my abdomen without it hurting. I know, so don't push on it! Ha, but I mean, shouldn't I be able to push on it without it hurting?

Tonight is my dad's birthday dinner! We're going to a fancy restaurant and sitting at the chef's table, having the chef's menu, and my diet is going OUT the window. I've been doing a really good job, no wheat, dairy or red meat at all for a while now. So I'm stoked for a little treat. And the best is that I have no idea what it will be. I love chef's menus! If they think it's good, I'll trust the chef. Delish!

I'm getting SO anxious about the Lupron shot. I haven't heard anything yet, and I want to get this thing started. I'm just going to talk myself out of it if they don't hurry up. And since the pain is starting to get better, I don't want to feel like I made the wrong decision by going with the shot. But I've heard that the Lupron is a really good thing for the endo, no matter how bad it hurts. Plus, it's not like I'm 100% or anything, I still couldn't go for a walk or dance by any means. And I really need to get back to actually exercising. That's when I'll feel healthy again.

I think I might try to lay out in the sun a little today. It's gorgeous outside, and I hate being pale. It's amazing what a little color on your skin will do for the ol' self esteem! :)

I Sat At My ACTUAL Desk Today!

I went to work!!! I know it seems like a normal function, one that most wouldn't think very exciting, but I'm so proud of myself. :) First let me say that I'm not one to take time off of work. I don't. I was a competitive swimmer for 18 years, dedication and hard work are key. Sick days, injuries, pain, or complaining aren't part of the game. And this disease made that SO difficult. I would swim through awful stomach cramps, really terrible endo pain, injuries, illness. It was necessary, and I was ok with that. But there were some times that I just couldn't do it, so I'd have to take a week off here and there- and it was like torture. Definitely not my style.

I've been on an intermittent unpaid medical leave for four weeks! FOUR WEEKS! That's insane. I never would allow myself to do something so drastic. But I couldn't go to work. I just couldn't do it. Every time I went over a speed bump in my car, every walk from the parking lot to the office, every stabbing pain that would hit me in the middle of a phone call. I couldn't pull myself to go. If it was absolutely necessary I would go into work for a single meeting and then get out of there fast. Well, yesterday, I went into work just to go to work! I sat there for three hours, did my job, chatted with my coworkers. It felt really good, like I almost had a life back. Then today I went to three meetings in a row, stayed at work for five hours before deciding to come home! I actually feel accomplished for this, which is so sad in so many ways; but baby steps.

The pain is starting to feel more generalized now, like my abdomen is sore, fragile really. That's a big difference from the sharp stabbing pains I was having consistently over the last four weeks. I'd like to say that the pain in my right ovary is going away, because the cyst ruptured a week and a half ago- so it should be going away. But I still feel some weird pain down in my lower right abdomen. And that awful nagging pain in my diaphragm haunts me. Just when I think it's getting better, I have to briskly walk for a couple of minutes and it's right back beating the crap out of me. Hard to believe, but it's an improvement.

I know this blog sounds like it's just a bunch of complaining, I feel like I need to explain what's going on- what the pain is, where it is, how it feels. It helps me in a lot of ways to write it down first off, but I also want this blog to be educational for others who are dealing with what I'm dealing with. If other people can relate, or have similar pain, maybe this will help them. Just knowing there are others out there feeling what they're feeling, it makes such a huge difference. And maybe there's someone out there trying to find answers, never been diagnosed, wondering what they're dealing with. I hope this helps some :)

On a much lighter and happier note though, the endo diet is going superbly! I've already met new friends through this blog who are helping me with the diet. Such amazing suggestions and support, I love the Internet :) I went to Safeway last night and found wheat and dairy free everything, it was unbelievable. I mean, Newman-O's?? Ben actually likes them better than Oreo's and they're wheat/dairy free and all organic! That Newman has a gift. TJ's has Organic Food Bars that have no soy, dairy, gluten...nothin but sweet sweet goodness. The chocolate chip flavor is a must-try. TJ's also has wheat and gluten free Brown Rice fruit juice sweetened bread. Do it!

My problem is that I'm not a cooker just yet. Still learning. I can make a delicious rice spaghetti with turkey tomato sauce that blows even myself away! And some turkey taco salad that's really good. Beyond that it's a mystery to me. So a) I really need food that's quick and easy and b) I really need to learn to cook. I've gotten some great tips that I'm so excited to try out, and I will absolutely let y'all know what else I find.

I also started taking fish oil pills, B-12, calcium, magnesium, and zinc everyday. My dad's been trying to get me to take vitamins for 15 years and I just never seem to do it. But with this most recent endometriosis kick in the ass, I'm on the vitamin bandwagon! I'll do anything. Crazy what this disease will do to someone. In any case, these changes can't do anything but help me. I need all the help I can get with the damage the endo and thyroid problems are doing to my body.

I'm still waiting for a call on Lupron, still taking Yaz continuously in the meantime. Has anyone else out there taken Lupron who would discourage or recommend? Just getting more feedback for myself. I, of course, will make the decision for myself. But it's never bad to have more information!

I'm going to watch Friends on TV...I still love this show.